Pure and simple as a hammer to the forebrain

     
 

Flowers For the Assman
1999-07-29 21:46:07


Behold the Assman!
 
No surgery could hide the sparkle of brilliant nuck clone mastermind evil that you have in your eyes.
-- Mr. Bad

 

I swear to god, they're just JUMPING RIGHT IN THE BOAT nowadays. Back in the day, when I first started searching the web wide and far for Assmen, they were sort of hard to spot. You had to look between the lines back then, back in, ah, May. But now the wily Assman senses the potential for cheap, pointless celebrity! Something all Assmen crave innately!

So now a search for Assmen turns up stuff like, "HEY! OVER HERE! I AM AN ASSMAN!" and "COME TO THE HOME OF THE ASSMAN! THE ONE AND ONLY ASSMAN!" and "ASSMAN.COM! SEX PICTURES FEATURING BUTTS!" I'm not kidding about that last one.

This job has gotten a bit easier, but it's still tough weeding out the truly exceptional, truly assy Assmen. You have to have a bit of everything to be a Pigdog Assman: guts, savvy, lack of spellchecking software, bad HTML spooge, total indifference to looking like a stooge, an ASS STOOGE.

"Assman's Autograph Page" qualifies on most of these counts.

Look at this stuff! Side LEFT: pictures of AUTOGRAPHS that the Assman has PERSONALLY COLLECTED! Who do we have here? Ah: Dabney Coleman! Dom DeLuise! EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.! Only a total ASSMAN would want these guys' autographs!

Here we go: side RIGHT! A SIMPSONS PAGE! With sounds! And you can click on Barney's BUTT to get to another page; wonderful! Only a total ASSMAN would think anyone needs or wants to look at another Simpsons page in 1999. "Hey, I need that funny noise Homer makes, like 'DOH!' or whatnot so I can use it as a system beep! Haw Haw!"

And if that wasn't ENOUGH to qualify this Assman as Pigdog Assman of the Week, check out the Assman's Trading Post, where you can trade photos and index cards (of special note is the fact that this Assman is looking for "3x5 signed index cards" of celebrities including "Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls)," "David Ogden Steirs (M.A.S.H.)," and "Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Tyler Moore Show.)

Lalala, the hits keep a-comin'...

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

punchbowl@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G

Solex vs. the Pigdog
by The Compulsive Splicer

Escape to Spock Mountain!
by Baron Earl

WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
by Mr. Bad

GNUisance
by El Snatcher, Mr. Bad

12-04

El Destino

What teenaged girls really wanted to ask David Cassidy

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

05-03

Baron Earl

When will the abuse of airline passengers stop?

05-03

El Destino

Hillbilly miner turned coder wants to make Kentucky into "Silicon Holler"

03-31

El Destino

86-year-old William Shatner cast in a new romantic comedy: 'Senior Moment'

03-19

El Destino

New ransomware taunts its victims with ASCII art of Spock and Kirk

01-26

Flesh

Alex Jones is Big, Fat, And Drunk in Public.

08-01

El Destino

Amazon's secret: incest in the Kindle ad?

08-01

El Destino

Slut Walk! Sexy feminist protest, or invaders from Mars?

04-25

Daemon Agent

The Quest for the Best Cheap Beer in a Can

04-25

Eugene Leitl

Beverage science at its finest

04-16

El Destino

YouTube punishes copyright offenders with animated pirate cat

04-09

Baron Earl

Poll shows that almost half of Mississippi's Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal

04-07

Baron Earl

Commodore64 redux - now with Linux

04-06

El Destino

George Takei demonstrates why he should be playing Spider-Man

04-01

El Destino

High school students sacrifice chickens to improve their batting average

More Quickies...