I swear to god, they're just JUMPING RIGHT IN THE BOAT
nowadays. Back in the day, when I first started searching
the web wide and far for Assmen, they were sort of hard to
spot. You had to look between the lines back then, back
in, ah, May. But now the wily Assman senses the potential
for cheap, pointless celebrity! Something all Assmen crave
So now a search for Assmen turns up stuff like, "HEY! OVER HERE! I AM AN
ASSMAN!" and "COME TO THE HOME OF THE ASSMAN! THE ONE AND ONLY ASSMAN!" and
"ASSMAN.COM! SEX PICTURES FEATURING BUTTS!" I'm not kidding about that last
This job has gotten a bit easier, but it's still tough weeding out the truly
exceptional, truly assy Assmen. You have to have a bit of everything to
be a Pigdog Assman: guts, savvy, lack of spellchecking software, bad HTML
spooge, total indifference to looking like a stooge, an ASS STOOGE.
"Assman's Autograph Page" qualifies on most of these counts.
Look at this stuff! Side LEFT: pictures of AUTOGRAPHS that the Assman has
PERSONALLY COLLECTED! Who do we have here? Ah: Dabney Coleman! Dom DeLuise!
EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.! Only a total ASSMAN would want these guys' autographs!
Here we go: side RIGHT! A SIMPSONS PAGE! With sounds! And you can click on
Barney's BUTT to get to another page; wonderful! Only a total ASSMAN would
think anyone needs or wants to look at another Simpsons page in 1999. "Hey, I
need that funny noise Homer makes, like 'DOH!' or whatnot so I can use it as a
system beep! Haw Haw!"
And if that wasn't ENOUGH to qualify this Assman as Pigdog Assman of the Week,
check out the Assman's Trading Post, where you can trade photos and index cards
(of special note is the fact that this Assman is looking for "3x5 signed index
cards" of celebrities including "Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls)," "David Ogden
Steirs (M.A.S.H.)," and "Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Tyler Moore Show.)