Build Date: Mon Oct 20 17:00:10 2025 UTC
Hehehehe. Funny you should mention nitrous tonight...
-- Johnnie Royale
Flowers For the Assman
1999-07-29 21:46:07
I swear to god, they're just JUMPING RIGHT IN THE BOAT nowadays. Back in the day, when I first started searching the web wide and far for Assmen, they were sort of hard to spot. You had to look between the lines back then, back in, ah, May. But now the wily Assman senses the potential for cheap, pointless celebrity! Something all Assmen crave innately!
So now a search for Assmen turns up stuff like, "HEY! OVER HERE! I AM AN ASSMAN!" and "COME TO THE HOME OF THE ASSMAN! THE ONE AND ONLY ASSMAN!" and "ASSMAN.COM! SEX PICTURES FEATURING BUTTS!" I'm not kidding about that last one.
This job has gotten a bit easier, but it's still tough weeding out the truly exceptional, truly assy Assmen. You have to have a bit of everything to be a Pigdog Assman: guts, savvy, lack of spellchecking software, bad HTML spooge, total indifference to looking like a stooge, an ASS STOOGE.
"Assman's Autograph Page" qualifies on most of these counts.
Look at this stuff! Side LEFT: pictures of AUTOGRAPHS that the Assman has PERSONALLY COLLECTED! Who do we have here? Ah: Dabney Coleman! Dom DeLuise! EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.! Only a total ASSMAN would want these guys' autographs!
Here we go: side RIGHT! A SIMPSONS PAGE! With sounds! And you can click on Barney's BUTT to get to another page; wonderful! Only a total ASSMAN would think anyone needs or wants to look at another Simpsons page in 1999. "Hey, I need that funny noise Homer makes, like 'DOH!' or whatnot so I can use it as a system beep! Haw Haw!"
And if that wasn't ENOUGH to qualify this Assman as Pigdog Assman of the Week, check out the Assman's Trading Post, where you can trade photos and index cards (of special note is the fact that this Assman is looking for "3x5 signed index cards" of celebrities including "Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls)," "David Ogden Steirs (M.A.S.H.)," and "Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Tyler Moore Show.)
Lalala, the hits keep a-comin'...
T O P S T O R I E S
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Naked Australian Redhead -- Missing!
She posed naked on the web, fought for pornography online, and even kept an online "Diary of a Virtual Girlfriend." But after earning a place in internet history, Bernadette Taylor vanished without a trace. (More...)
