Build Date: Fri Apr 4 02:40:40 2025 UTC
One man said it was getting towards the long days and the short nights now. T'other one said THIS warn't one of the short ones, he reckoned. And then they laughed, and he said it over again, and they laughed again...
-- Mark Twain
I Am the Assman! Goo Goo Ga Joob!
1999-06-16 15:47:31
Examine the plight of the poor Assman. Left to his own devices the Assman will attempt to express himself through whatever means he has access to. In the case of web-faring Assmen, this often means a web page, usually a simple affair telling some facts about the Assman and the kinds of things which interest the Assman.
He will use whatever tools we provide him; his is a simple lot. Like chimpanzees trained to ring a bell or push a brightly colored button for a chimp snack, the Assman understands the basics of web page design, that a colorful entryway can appeal and entice vistors to the home of the Assman.
Sometimes, like when our chimp finds a shotgun that the zookeeper has thoughtlessly left laying within its reach, the Assman discovers a cache of design elements that can be hazardous to his and our health. The Assman becomes enemy of the man; the trust inherent in Human-Assman relations, always a fragile thing, is broken.
Take Assman256@aol.com, for instance. This Assman is crazy.
His page is all Assed up: two blinking stoplights, four lava lamps, two happy faces, a picture of a baby, a java applet that proudly boasts of the Assman's inability to think in human terms, another applet which spells out the Assman's name in bouncing letters ("W e l c o m e t o K e v i n R u t l e d g e ' s H o m e p a g e," for the curious,) an animated GIF of a baseball player running in place, a "countdown to Y2K" page, a scrolling link to the Assman's "favorite places;" a dancing robot. No observable content.
An Assman run amok. An Assman running on borrowed time until the Zookeeper comes back from lunch.
Kevin Rutledge, you're our Assman of the Week. Enjoy the honor -- while you still have your freedom.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
