Build Date: Fri May 23 08:11:07 2025 UTC
Them is not hip to Us yet.
-- Tjames Madison
I Am the Assman! Goo Goo Ga Joob!
1999-06-16 15:47:31
Examine the plight of the poor Assman. Left to his own devices the Assman will attempt to express himself through whatever means he has access to. In the case of web-faring Assmen, this often means a web page, usually a simple affair telling some facts about the Assman and the kinds of things which interest the Assman.
He will use whatever tools we provide him; his is a simple lot. Like chimpanzees trained to ring a bell or push a brightly colored button for a chimp snack, the Assman understands the basics of web page design, that a colorful entryway can appeal and entice vistors to the home of the Assman.
Sometimes, like when our chimp finds a shotgun that the zookeeper has thoughtlessly left laying within its reach, the Assman discovers a cache of design elements that can be hazardous to his and our health. The Assman becomes enemy of the man; the trust inherent in Human-Assman relations, always a fragile thing, is broken.
Take Assman256@aol.com, for instance. This Assman is crazy.
His page is all Assed up: two blinking stoplights, four lava lamps, two happy faces, a picture of a baby, a java applet that proudly boasts of the Assman's inability to think in human terms, another applet which spells out the Assman's name in bouncing letters ("W e l c o m e t o K e v i n R u t l e d g e ' s H o m e p a g e," for the curious,) an animated GIF of a baseball player running in place, a "countdown to Y2K" page, a scrolling link to the Assman's "favorite places;" a dancing robot. No observable content.
An Assman run amok. An Assman running on borrowed time until the Zookeeper comes back from lunch.
Kevin Rutledge, you're our Assman of the Week. Enjoy the honor -- while you still have your freedom.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
