Build Date: Fri Dec 26 06:40:15 2025 UTC
Beret-wearing, Citroen-driving, tofu-eating, espresso-drinking, electronica-listening, Ass-of-the-Man-kissing, Utne-reading, playa-hating whiteboy FREAK.
-- Tjames
The Single Worst Thing Ever
2002-04-18 14:39:55
OK, this is the worst Assman ever. There will never be anything worse than this. Consider this category condemned, with extreme prejudice.
I wasn't really expecting this, but now that I've seen it I see that there was really no reason to ever expect anything less. Fuck, I should have known. Well, that's it for the Assmen, I guess.
It's all my fault. I broke the Ass machine. The Vegas Principle should have given me enough forewarning to deal with something as hideous as this thing. In Vegas, for example, there's a real chance every time you pull the handle on the slot machine that the handle will just fall off... or your arm... or you might just fall right off your stool, where you'll slump to the ground with a wet, sucking sound and puddle into a thin layer of boozy flesh, but they won't let you lay there for long. Oh no. Vegas has a very efficient method for dealing with human puddles of goo. Pretty soon you're vacuumed up by a big metal robot and sent off to the Soylent Green factory. You won't remember anything again. But don't let that, ah, unpleasantness disturb you. Just keep it weird enough to hold yourself together. Just keep pulling that handle. You might just win big. Vegas loves a risk-taker.
Like me. Behold the link. The Final Assman. There are no more.
Now all is darkness.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
If you broke into Pigdog's top sekrit headquarters, spying on their mysterious mix of weird science and old-skool geekiness, you'd overhear this conversation: (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
