Build Date: Sat Sep 5 02:50:25 2026 UTC
Any REAL CREED has to mention Spock or it really isn't much of a CREED now, is it?
-- Johnnie Royale
The Single Worst Thing Ever
2002-04-18 14:39:55
OK, this is the worst Assman ever. There will never be anything worse than this. Consider this category condemned, with extreme prejudice.
I wasn't really expecting this, but now that I've seen it I see that there was really no reason to ever expect anything less. Fuck, I should have known. Well, that's it for the Assmen, I guess.
It's all my fault. I broke the Ass machine. The Vegas Principle should have given me enough forewarning to deal with something as hideous as this thing. In Vegas, for example, there's a real chance every time you pull the handle on the slot machine that the handle will just fall off... or your arm... or you might just fall right off your stool, where you'll slump to the ground with a wet, sucking sound and puddle into a thin layer of boozy flesh, but they won't let you lay there for long. Oh no. Vegas has a very efficient method for dealing with human puddles of goo. Pretty soon you're vacuumed up by a big metal robot and sent off to the Soylent Green factory. You won't remember anything again. But don't let that, ah, unpleasantness disturb you. Just keep it weird enough to hold yourself together. Just keep pulling that handle. You might just win big. Vegas loves a risk-taker.
Like me. Behold the link. The Final Assman. There are no more.
Now all is darkness.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
