Build Date: Wed Apr 2 06:10:39 2025 UTC
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
Amazon's 'Dash' Button For Doritos Panned By Potheads
2017-03-27 12:13:46
So Amazon sells this button you can put in your house, and every time you press it you buy something from Amazon. No, not a random something -- although that'd be pretty cool. ("What? The Necronomicon?! Aw, I was hoping for a giant horse-head mask...") Instead the Dash button buys you whatever's written on the button. You know, like Doritos. Which of course raises some very important questions for potheads...
Like, once the munchies hit, how long until my Doritos arrive? And will Amazon deliver them by drone? And if I keep hitting the button, will more drones show up? Will they hover outside my window while I laugh maniacally at them, jonesing for faster and faster piano music like that stoner in Reefer Madness?
In a word: no. There's no drones -- Amazon talks a good game, but they haven't actually implemented drone deliveries to rain bags of Doritos from the skies. But what's even more surprising: there's no big bag of Doritos, either. Instead Amazon's Dash button will swamp you with -- I kid you not -- 104 little one-ounce bags.
I guess they think I'm going to be packing school lunches for the next five months...
There is one more option -- 64 little one-ounce bags. (If you're only packing school lunches for two and a half months...) These and other disturbing facts were apparently discovered by two stoners who slipped into Amazon's cheery "Customer Questions & Answers" section. And one of them began by finally saying out loud what's only been whispered about Amazon's target demographic for their Dash button.
"I assume the only people who need a Doritos speed dial are stoned."
There was a second part to the question -- Is the Dash button small enough to attach to a lighter? (And seven other Amazon users voted this question "helpful".) But delightfully, another stoner then showed up to supply the answer: no. It's definitely not small enough to attach to your lighter.
Their definitive pothead opinion about Amazon's Doritos-buying Dash button?
"Don't buy."
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
