Build Date: Sat Feb 21 12:50:13 2026 UTC
btw, i thought it would be obvious but i DO NOT LIKE TORTURE.
-- Sylvia
Amazon's 'Dash' Button For Doritos Panned By Potheads
2017-03-27 12:13:46
So Amazon sells this button you can put in your house, and every time you press it you buy something from Amazon. No, not a random something -- although that'd be pretty cool. ("What? The Necronomicon?! Aw, I was hoping for a giant horse-head mask...") Instead the Dash button buys you whatever's written on the button. You know, like Doritos. Which of course raises some very important questions for potheads...
Like, once the munchies hit, how long until my Doritos arrive? And will Amazon deliver them by drone? And if I keep hitting the button, will more drones show up? Will they hover outside my window while I laugh maniacally at them, jonesing for faster and faster piano music like that stoner in Reefer Madness?
In a word: no. There's no drones -- Amazon talks a good game, but they haven't actually implemented drone deliveries to rain bags of Doritos from the skies. But what's even more surprising: there's no big bag of Doritos, either. Instead Amazon's Dash button will swamp you with -- I kid you not -- 104 little one-ounce bags.
I guess they think I'm going to be packing school lunches for the next five months...
There is one more option -- 64 little one-ounce bags. (If you're only packing school lunches for two and a half months...) These and other disturbing facts were apparently discovered by two stoners who slipped into Amazon's cheery "Customer Questions & Answers" section. And one of them began by finally saying out loud what's only been whispered about Amazon's target demographic for their Dash button.
"I assume the only people who need a Doritos speed dial are stoned."
There was a second part to the question -- Is the Dash button small enough to attach to a lighter? (And seven other Amazon users voted this question "helpful".) But delightfully, another stoner then showed up to supply the answer: no. It's definitely not small enough to attach to your lighter.
Their definitive pothead opinion about Amazon's Doritos-buying Dash button?
"Don't buy."
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
Mr. Bad, Tjames Madison, and various other Pigdoggers of all stripe take on the makers of JERKCITY in a PIGDOG INTERVIEW DEATHMATCH. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
