Build Date: Tue Oct 22 17:50:11 2024 UTC
Bad people of the Future don't go to bed, they pass out.
-- Johnny Royale
Won't Get Fooled Again
2000-07-24 19:07:31
Hey, so, ever been burned buying drugs? I haven't, of course, but that's because Mr. Bad gets high on life. You kids should too. Say Ugh to Drugs and Nope to Dope and all that shit. This has been a public service announcement.
OK, but let's say that you DID buy drugs, like as a hypothetical situation and shit. I've yet to find a shrink-wrapped pack of E that had nutritional information on the side and a 1-800 customer service line. Drug prohibition makes it quite easy for you or I (umm... I mean, YOU. As I mentioned before, Mr. Bad gets high on life) to get seriously fucked by unscrupulous dealers who give us bunk for our bank.
Now, wouldn't it be cool if there were a way to check that the drugs you're buying are at least the drugs you THINK you're buying? Like, I mean, a BETTER way than just putting them in your brain and monitoring what happens? ("Hmmm... bleeding from the ears... shortness of breath... heart fibrillation... catastrophic brain damage... coma... something tells me that pill wasn't what I thought it was.")
I totally think so. That's why I dig the new wave of portable drug testing kits that are starting to come out. I haven't seen any for anything but Ecstasy and speed, but that's probably OK for now. Like, I expecially enjoy the fancy EZTest kits, since they not only come in coolio R4V3R colors and stuff, but they also are EZ. Get it?
But after I started writing this article, I realized that you can also get testing kits from DanceSafe. And DanceSafe is so cool, I just gots to point you there instead. Go buy lots of testing kits! Take them to parties or to synagogue or whatever! Give them to friends as Christmas gifts! Beaujolais!
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
