Build Date: Tue Jun 17 03:50:13 2025 UTC
Taking powerful narcotics is very bad for your typing.
-- Thom Stark
Won't Get Fooled Again
2000-07-24 19:07:31
Hey, so, ever been burned buying drugs? I haven't, of course, but that's because Mr. Bad gets high on life. You kids should too. Say Ugh to Drugs and Nope to Dope and all that shit. This has been a public service announcement.
OK, but let's say that you DID buy drugs, like as a hypothetical situation and shit. I've yet to find a shrink-wrapped pack of E that had nutritional information on the side and a 1-800 customer service line. Drug prohibition makes it quite easy for you or I (umm... I mean, YOU. As I mentioned before, Mr. Bad gets high on life) to get seriously fucked by unscrupulous dealers who give us bunk for our bank.
Now, wouldn't it be cool if there were a way to check that the drugs you're buying are at least the drugs you THINK you're buying? Like, I mean, a BETTER way than just putting them in your brain and monitoring what happens? ("Hmmm... bleeding from the ears... shortness of breath... heart fibrillation... catastrophic brain damage... coma... something tells me that pill wasn't what I thought it was.")
I totally think so. That's why I dig the new wave of portable drug testing kits that are starting to come out. I haven't seen any for anything but Ecstasy and speed, but that's probably OK for now. Like, I expecially enjoy the fancy EZTest kits, since they not only come in coolio R4V3R colors and stuff, but they also are EZ. Get it?
But after I started writing this article, I realized that you can also get testing kits from DanceSafe. And DanceSafe is so cool, I just gots to point you there instead. Go buy lots of testing kits! Take them to parties or to synagogue or whatever! Give them to friends as Christmas gifts! Beaujolais!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
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The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Canadia Revealed: A Brief Guide to a Large Country
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It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
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On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
