Build Date: Thu Nov 6 20:40:35 2025 UTC
It'd be interesting to tally how many different laws you'd be breaking by importing a 15-year-old sex slave.
-- Mr. Bad
Won't Get Fooled Again
2000-07-24 19:07:31
Hey, so, ever been burned buying drugs? I haven't, of course, but that's because Mr. Bad gets high on life. You kids should too. Say Ugh to Drugs and Nope to Dope and all that shit. This has been a public service announcement.
OK, but let's say that you DID buy drugs, like as a hypothetical situation and shit. I've yet to find a shrink-wrapped pack of E that had nutritional information on the side and a 1-800 customer service line. Drug prohibition makes it quite easy for you or I (umm... I mean, YOU. As I mentioned before, Mr. Bad gets high on life) to get seriously fucked by unscrupulous dealers who give us bunk for our bank.
Now, wouldn't it be cool if there were a way to check that the drugs you're buying are at least the drugs you THINK you're buying? Like, I mean, a BETTER way than just putting them in your brain and monitoring what happens? ("Hmmm... bleeding from the ears... shortness of breath... heart fibrillation... catastrophic brain damage... coma... something tells me that pill wasn't what I thought it was.")
I totally think so. That's why I dig the new wave of portable drug testing kits that are starting to come out. I haven't seen any for anything but Ecstasy and speed, but that's probably OK for now. Like, I expecially enjoy the fancy EZTest kits, since they not only come in coolio R4V3R colors and stuff, but they also are EZ. Get it?
But after I started writing this article, I realized that you can also get testing kits from DanceSafe. And DanceSafe is so cool, I just gots to point you there instead. Go buy lots of testing kits! Take them to parties or to synagogue or whatever! Give them to friends as Christmas gifts! Beaujolais!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
