Build Date: Thu Jul 18 20:10:10 2024 UTC

I have no body hair, three nipples and a short tail. Is this going to hurt me in the swimsuit event?
-- Lenny the Nice


by JRoyale

2001-08-18 00:44:22

The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere...

Unfortunately, this nowhere is hot, dusty, and potentially deadly for visitors unready to face its torturous climate. Being a Senior SMRL Beverotologist, I decided to head into the lab to see if I could concoct an afternoon highball that would help us combat the heat, the dryness and dragging afternoon weariness that occurs from the lack of sleep and the searing noonday Playa sun - all while providing the drinkee with a healthy warm buzz to enjoy the evening festivities on the Playa.

For this recipe, I chose each ingredient so as to optimize the drink for the harsh and remote Playa conditions that one encounters during their stay on this prehistoric lake bed.

As a beverotologist designing a cocktail for happy hour in the desert, my primary concern was hydration and electrolytes. As the paramedic in Center Camp will tell you, you can't enjoy Burning Man if you're medevaced because you desiccated yourself. And, unfortunately for us drunks, drinking alcohol only exacerbates the exceptional evaporation that happens to people at on the Playa. So I started with a large amount of Gatorade. Gatorade is available a powder form from most supermarkets in a variety of flavors, making it relatively cheap, compact and easy to transport. Scientifically designed to provide the Gatorade marketing department great latitude in claiming that Gatorade is better then any other sport drink as well as curing gout, hemorrhoids, sexual dysfunction, myriad of other assorted aliments plus making you a babe magnet, Gatorade also does replace some of those pesky electrolytes and makes that life giving water taste less like water and more like yucky Kool-Aid.

The weariness I decided to tackle in true Pigdog fashion using our wakeup drug of choice, Metabolift. Why this substance is still available over the counter is beyond me, but it is and Beaujolais to that and to another night without sleep. God I wish I had this stuff in college.

Naturally, this wouldn't be a Spocktail without booze and vodka is the choice here. Not only does vodka go with everything, even Gatorade (well, ok, it at least it doesn't make the Gatorade taste any worse then it already does), but vodka is a staple on the Playa. I always bring 4 or 5 1.75 of Ketel One to ensure that there are no sober nights. I deliberately chose to limit the amount of vodka in this recipe to ensure that one can drink several SMRLJuices to completely re-hydrate themselves and still be ready for a night on the town. I'm doing all the testing with a premium vodka, but there is no reason with this recipe that you couldn't substitute a less expensive brand if you so chose.


  • 4 heaping tablespoons of Gatorade mix (orange)
  • 2 shots vodka
  • 32 ounces of bottled water
  • 2 Metabolift capsules
  • Ice

In a very large glass, mix the water and the Gatorade together, stirring vigorously to dissolve the orange powder. Then separate the Metabolift capsules and add the contents. Continue stirring. Add the vodka and the ice. Consume and hydrate.

The Metabolift does tend to settle towards the bottom of the glass, so frequent stirring is normally required to obtain the full effect. Further, I suggest using an insulated container to prevent this Spocktail from becoming warm, as warm Gatorade is even grosser then cold Gatorade. (Senior Beverotologist Tip: My glassware of choice is an ExtremeGulp cup available from 7-Eleven. It holds 52 ounces, is heavily insulated, limits the amount of Playa dust that falls into one's drink during the afternoon winds and is damn near spill proof.)

This isn't the best tasting drink in the world, but I'm betting SMRLJuice gets us over that brutal afternoon hump that seems to wipe us out every year and set us up nicely for yet another evening of excessive consumption and over-the-top debauchery. Hooray for the Science of Drinking. Beaujolais to Beverotology.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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