The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons
Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man.
Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader
in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00
and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200
miles from nowhere...
Unfortunately, this nowhere is hot, dusty, and potentially deadly for visitors unready to
face its torturous climate. Being a Senior SMRL Beverotologist, I decided to head into
the lab to see if I could concoct an afternoon highball that would help us combat the
heat, the dryness and dragging afternoon weariness that occurs from the lack of sleep and
the searing noonday Playa sun - all while providing the drinkee with a healthy warm buzz
to enjoy the evening festivities on the Playa.
For this recipe, I chose each ingredient so as to optimize the drink for the harsh and
remote Playa conditions that one encounters during their stay on this prehistoric lake
As a beverotologist designing a cocktail for happy hour in the desert, my primary concern
was hydration and electrolytes. As the paramedic in Center Camp will tell you, you can't
enjoy Burning Man if you're medevaced because you desiccated yourself. And,
unfortunately for us drunks, drinking alcohol only exacerbates the exceptional
evaporation that happens to people at on the Playa. So I started with a large amount of
Gatorade. Gatorade is available a powder form from
most supermarkets in a variety of flavors, making it relatively cheap, compact and easy
to transport. Scientifically designed to provide the Gatorade marketing department great
latitude in claiming that Gatorade is better then any other sport drink as well as curing
gout, hemorrhoids, sexual dysfunction, myriad of other assorted aliments plus making you
a babe magnet, Gatorade also does replace some of those pesky electrolytes and makes that
life giving water taste less like water and more like yucky Kool-Aid.
The weariness I decided to tackle in true Pigdog fashion using our wakeup drug of choice,
Metabolift. Why this substance is still
available over the counter is beyond me, but it is and Beaujolais to that and to another
night without sleep. God I wish I had this stuff in college.
Naturally, this wouldn't be a Spocktail without booze and vodka is the choice here. Not
only does vodka go with everything, even Gatorade (well, ok, it at least it doesn't make
the Gatorade taste any worse then it already does), but vodka is a staple on the Playa. I
always bring 4 or 5 1.75 of Ketel One to ensure
that there are no sober nights. I deliberately chose to limit the amount of vodka in
this recipe to ensure that one can drink several SMRLJuices to completely re-hydrate
themselves and still be ready for a night on the town. I'm doing all the testing with a
premium vodka, but there is no reason with this recipe that you couldn't substitute a
less expensive brand if you so chose.
4 heaping tablespoons of Gatorade mix (orange)
2 shots vodka
32 ounces of bottled water
2 Metabolift capsules
In a very large glass, mix the water and the Gatorade together, stirring vigorously to
dissolve the orange powder. Then separate the Metabolift capsules and add the contents.
Continue stirring. Add the vodka and the ice. Consume and hydrate.
The Metabolift does tend to settle towards the bottom of the glass, so frequent stirring
is normally required to obtain the full effect. Further, I suggest using an insulated
container to prevent this Spocktail from becoming warm, as warm Gatorade is even grosser
then cold Gatorade. (Senior Beverotologist Tip: My glassware of choice is an ExtremeGulp cup
available from 7-Eleven. It holds 52 ounces, is heavily insulated, limits the amount of
Playa dust that falls into one's drink during the afternoon winds and is damn near spill
This isn't the best tasting drink in the world, but I'm betting SMRLJuice gets us over
that brutal afternoon hump that seems to wipe us out every year and set us up nicely for
yet another evening of excessive consumption and over-the-top debauchery. Hooray for the
Science of Drinking. Beaujolais to Beverotology.