Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the
least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like
their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move
their eyes to the proper position during surgery.
Unfortunately, having the
anesthesiologist keep you in a state that permits that much muscular control
means that you can see all those very sharp instruments before, during and
after they slice, scrape or stitch your cornea.
There wasn't a lot of pain right after the
operation, as they had used local anesthetic to numb the eye, but in post-op it
was clear that I was in for some massive pain as my nerves began to once again
function as designed. After enough whining and whimpering I was rewarded with a
large bottle of vicodin. I was wheeled out of post-op fuzzyheaded, with an eye
patch covering my poor abused peeper, clutching a bag of drugs.
After spending most of the
afternoon recovering from the operation it was clear that the pain was gonna be
serious. The last time I'd been in a situation like this was on the infamous
Pigdog Road Trip to Vegas. My arm was in a cast due to some infection in my
elbow and after Mr. Bad took over the driving duties, I collapsed in the back
of the van and attempted to self-medicate myself with vicodin and Bud Lite. I
was successful. Somewhere near Barstow we stopped to pee and buy more beer and
I danced out of the van uttering "Tjames, you're so pretty they should put your
head in a box". If you've ever seen Tjames, you know I was out of my mind.
This time I was
determined to be more rigorous in my research and report my findings back to
the scientific community. After several early evening misses, I finally hit on
a recipe that lives up to lofty standards of Spock Mountain Research Labs.
Since I looked like I was ready to board and loot a Spanish treasure galleon
with my eye patch and was barely able to move, I named the drink The Sedated
3 shots (1 1/2 oz) vodka
6 oz club soda
1 200 mg vicodin tablet
1/2 a lime
1 eye patch
1 peg leg
1 hook claw
Mix the vodka
and soda in a huge glass filled with ice. Squeeze in the lime. Chase the
vicodin tablet with the vodka.
After two Sedated Pirates you can safely amputate your hand
or leg without pain and apply the optional garnishes. This, however, is not
recommended by the Pigdog Journal and we assume no liability for you being such
If you plan to
have three Sedated Pirates, before you start you should duct tape a
picture id, your HMO card and a major credit card to your body. That way, when
the police find you naked and lying in the gutter, babbling nonsense, they know
which hospital emergency room to take you to.