Build Date: Wed May 21 08:21:24 2025 UTC
Which is worse, a garden-variety moron or a zealot?
-- Johnnie Royale
The Sedated Pirate
2001-02-17 01:09:24
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery.
Unfortunately, having the anesthesiologist keep you in a state that permits that much muscular control means that you can see all those very sharp instruments before, during and after they slice, scrape or stitch your cornea.
There wasn't a lot of pain right after the operation, as they had used local anesthetic to numb the eye, but in post-op it was clear that I was in for some massive pain as my nerves began to once again function as designed. After enough whining and whimpering I was rewarded with a large bottle of vicodin. I was wheeled out of post-op fuzzyheaded, with an eye patch covering my poor abused peeper, clutching a bag of drugs.
After spending most of the afternoon recovering from the operation it was clear that the pain was gonna be serious. The last time I'd been in a situation like this was on the infamous Pigdog Road Trip to Vegas. My arm was in a cast due to some infection in my elbow and after Mr. Bad took over the driving duties, I collapsed in the back of the van and attempted to self-medicate myself with vicodin and Bud Lite. I was successful. Somewhere near Barstow we stopped to pee and buy more beer and I danced out of the van uttering "Tjames, you're so pretty they should put your head in a box". If you've ever seen Tjames, you know I was out of my mind.
This time I was determined to be more rigorous in my research and report my findings back to the scientific community. After several early evening misses, I finally hit on a recipe that lives up to lofty standards of Spock Mountain Research Labs. Since I looked like I was ready to board and loot a Spanish treasure galleon with my eye patch and was barely able to move, I named the drink The Sedated Pirate.
Ingredients:
- 3 shots (1 1/2 oz) vodka
- 6 oz club soda
- 1 200 mg vicodin tablet
- 1/2 a lime
- 1 eye patch
- ice
optional garnish:
- 1 peg leg
- 1 hook claw
Mix the vodka and soda in a huge glass filled with ice. Squeeze in the lime. Chase the vicodin tablet with the vodka.
After two Sedated Pirates you can safely amputate your hand or leg without pain and apply the optional garnishes. This, however, is not recommended by the Pigdog Journal and we assume no liability for you being such a jackass .
If you plan to have three Sedated Pirates, before you start you should duct tape a picture id, your HMO card and a major credit card to your body. That way, when the police find you naked and lying in the gutter, babbling nonsense, they know which hospital emergency room to take you to.
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