Build Date: Sun Sep 6 16:40:22 2026 UTC
You have come a long way from the Bloodthirsty, Beady-eyed news Hawk that you were in days of yore. Maybe you should try reading something besides those goddamn motorcycle magazines -- or one of these days you'll find hair growing in your palms.
-- HST
A Slew of Holiday Favorites!
1999-12-20 04:31:28
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help.
Just like Martha Stewart, we've got ideas for you to use. Unlike Martha, they all involve evil combinations of alcohol and public drunkeness. Here are a few of our favorite holiday Spocktails:
The Elven Astronaut
- 2 parts Everclear
- 3 parts TANG
Pour in the TANG first, then the Everclear. Stir slowly, with
great caution. Thorougly wash hands of Everclear residue and keep away
from open flames. Garnish with mistletoe. Drink furtively
(underneath
desk or concealed behind partition or locked door,) discard glass
immediately.
Keep bucket handy, cross fingers and prepare for blast-off. Make
"vroom vroom" noises as appropriate.
The Jolly Helper
- 1 shot Wild Turkey
- 2 shots Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
- 1 12 oz. bottle of Sierra Nevada Ale
- 1 whole grapefruit
In comically oversized glass, mix in first three ingredients.
Smash grapefruit with heavy object or tinker's hammer and squeeze
juice into glass. Sip slowly, while griping about what a shithead
that Santa Claus is.
The Clever Christian
- 1 fifth bottle Boodles English Gin
- 1 fifth bottle Herradurra Gold Tequila
- 1 fifth bottle Ouzo
- 1 2-liter bottle Coca-Cola
Obtain volunteer job ringing bell for Salvation Army. After
a long day of annoying holiday shoppers with bell, remove donations from
bucket and obtain above ingredients from nearest liquor store. Mix
all ingredients in bucket, drink to the gills. Enter nearest mall.
Serves: everybody right.
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