Build Date: Mon Sep 9 14:10:11 2024 UTC
Tanks don't kill terrorists. They don't really discriminate.
-- Ragboy
A Slew of Holiday Favorites!
1999-12-20 04:31:28
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help.
Just like Martha Stewart, we've got ideas for you to use. Unlike Martha, they all involve evil combinations of alcohol and public drunkeness. Here are a few of our favorite holiday Spocktails:
The Elven Astronaut
- 2 parts Everclear
- 3 parts TANG
Pour in the TANG first, then the Everclear. Stir slowly, with
great caution. Thorougly wash hands of Everclear residue and keep away
from open flames. Garnish with mistletoe. Drink furtively
(underneath
desk or concealed behind partition or locked door,) discard glass
immediately.
Keep bucket handy, cross fingers and prepare for blast-off. Make
"vroom vroom" noises as appropriate.
The Jolly Helper
- 1 shot Wild Turkey
- 2 shots Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
- 1 12 oz. bottle of Sierra Nevada Ale
- 1 whole grapefruit
In comically oversized glass, mix in first three ingredients.
Smash grapefruit with heavy object or tinker's hammer and squeeze
juice into glass. Sip slowly, while griping about what a shithead
that Santa Claus is.
The Clever Christian
- 1 fifth bottle Boodles English Gin
- 1 fifth bottle Herradurra Gold Tequila
- 1 fifth bottle Ouzo
- 1 2-liter bottle Coca-Cola
Obtain volunteer job ringing bell for Salvation Army. After
a long day of annoying holiday shoppers with bell, remove donations from
bucket and obtain above ingredients from nearest liquor store. Mix
all ingredients in bucket, drink to the gills. Enter nearest mall.
Serves: everybody right.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
