We're not like the others.  We really hate you.

     
 

A Slew of Holiday Favorites!
1999-12-20 04:31:28


Spocktail of the Week
 
I've got a bottle of Swathmore Vinyards Merlot from South Africa sitting here that I could open right now. But I'm saving it, see. That's how much control I have.
-- Ratsnatcher

 

Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help.

Just like Martha Stewart, we've got ideas for you to use. Unlike Martha, they all involve evil combinations of alcohol and public drunkeness. Here are a few of our favorite holiday Spocktails:

The Elven Astronaut
 

  • 2 parts Everclear
  • 3 parts TANG


Pour in the TANG first, then the Everclear.  Stir slowly, with great caution. Thorougly wash hands of Everclear residue and keep away from open flames.  Garnish with mistletoe.  Drink furtively (underneath desk or concealed behind partition or locked door,) discard glass immediately.  Keep bucket handy, cross fingers and prepare for blast-off.  Make "vroom vroom" noises as appropriate.

The Jolly Helper
 

  • 1 shot Wild Turkey
  • 2 shots Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
  • 1 12 oz. bottle of Sierra Nevada Ale
  • 1 whole grapefruit


In comically oversized glass, mix in first three ingredients.  Smash grapefruit with heavy object or  tinker's hammer and squeeze juice into glass.  Sip slowly, while griping about what a shithead that Santa Claus is.

The Clever Christian
 

  • 1 fifth bottle Boodles English Gin
  • 1 fifth bottle Herradurra Gold Tequila
  • 1 fifth bottle Ouzo
  • 1 2-liter bottle Coca-Cola


Obtain volunteer job ringing bell for Salvation Army.  After a long day of annoying holiday shoppers with bell, remove donations from bucket and obtain above ingredients from nearest liquor store.  Mix all ingredients in bucket, drink to the gills.  Enter nearest mall.  Serves: everybody right.
 

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

ixian@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

T O P   S T O R I E S

Fixer-Upper
by Lenny Tuberose

Top Ten Reasons Morrissey Canceled a Show
by Baron Earl

Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
by Thom 'Starky' Stark, Lenny Tuberose, 'Tricky' Rick Moen, Destino

The One Trump Conspiracy That Will Explain Everything
by El Destino

12-04

El Destino

What teenaged girls really wanted to ask David Cassidy

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

05-03

Baron Earl

When will the abuse of airline passengers stop?

05-03

El Destino

Hillbilly miner turned coder wants to make Kentucky into "Silicon Holler"

03-31

El Destino

86-year-old William Shatner cast in a new romantic comedy: 'Senior Moment'

03-19

El Destino

New ransomware taunts its victims with ASCII art of Spock and Kirk

01-26

Flesh

Alex Jones is Big, Fat, And Drunk in Public.

08-01

El Destino

Amazon's secret: incest in the Kindle ad?

08-01

El Destino

Slut Walk! Sexy feminist protest, or invaders from Mars?

04-25

Daemon Agent

The Quest for the Best Cheap Beer in a Can

04-25

Eugene Leitl

Beverage science at its finest

04-16

El Destino

YouTube punishes copyright offenders with animated pirate cat

04-09

Baron Earl

Poll shows that almost half of Mississippi's Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal

04-07

Baron Earl

Commodore64 redux - now with Linux

04-06

El Destino

George Takei demonstrates why he should be playing Spider-Man

04-01

El Destino

High school students sacrifice chickens to improve their batting average

More Quickies...