Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop
a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE
can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research
It's a question that troubles every grocery shopping excursion: paper
or plastic? Either choice has its drawbacks: Choose plastic bags and
environmentalists will whine that eventually you'll be mummy wrapping
your ancestors in the stuff. But if paper is your choice,
environmentalists will complain that you might as well shave
mountaintops with ozone-powered razors. Certainly there must be an
environmentally safe way of carrying home our heaps of Crystal Light,
oodles of styrofoam cups of noodles, afro-lacquer, pork balloons, and
radon test kits.
Fortunately, we here at the Spock Mountain Research Labs' East Coast
Chemical Composites Division have put considerable science into the matter
and have arrived at what, we feel, is an optimum approach. Here's how it
works: consumers should be encouraged to use *only* paper bags until all
the trees have been safely removed from our environment. Then an
all-plastic solution should be implemented.
So when your sack lad asks, `Paper or plastic?' your choice is easy: choice
Redwoods, ground up and reconstituted into convenient paper bags.
The nice thing about this approach, which we call PlastiPlan (TM), is
that not only will it make life easier for the consumer, but will also
uproot this land's burden of overforestation. That's right,
overforestation is a growing problem - few realize how trees have run
amuck all over this great planet of ours. Why, those knotty nest
levitators are everywhere! Can you believe that we still have trees in
most major cities, even when the government's Tupperware supplies have
dwindled to alarmingly low levels, due to lack of space? Clearing the
land of those overgrown bed posts will give us plenty of room for more
plastic hatcheries, which could pump out multitudes of plastic bags.
Comparing paper with plastic without question reveals plastic's innate
superiority. Plastic bags alone have an infinite number of additional uses.
They're perfect for wrapping venison after a hunting trip. They make great
otter bait and can be used to give your child hours, or at least
approximately 7.5 minutes, of fun-time. Trees, on the other hand, have
relatively few purposes. In fact, we wish they'd all "leave" right now...
Now, we hear that sap-sucking liberals are belly-aching about plastic's
finest features. Environmental groups show pictures of seals who died
because they foolishly entangled their bloody snouts in our masterful
examples of technology. But we see in those photos that even our salty sea
buddies have learned of one of plastic's most "enduring" qualities -- its
resistance to decomposition!
Plastic never dies. While nature's soon-to-be-outdated flowers
consistently wilt in the fall, plastic flowers never lose their
freshness! In fact, cheaper organic flowers can't even withstand a
little acid rain! When an old fashioned forest burns, it takes years
it takes years to rekindle its growth for future kindling. Yet when
ready-made PlastiScape (TM) forests melt, they can immediately be
reformed into useful items, like lawn and leaf bags, or Bic lighters!
Of course, plastic bags are but one step to a total plastic solution.
Imagine rippling rivers of Reynolds Wrap, and astro-fields where your
mechanical pet's mechanical fecal matter can be easily hosed away. Ken,
dipped in the Stay Hard Tank, and Barbie, with her silicon impacted
polyethylene dispensers, can forever frolic in an H-O Lego Land,
unhindered by nature's antiquated and confused ways. Yeeeaaahhh, man.