Making Junk Mail Work For You
2000-02-21 18:15:18
Although my e-mail inbox is regularly filled with unsolicited messages selling APL Compilers, Dutch pastry recipes, and Czech get-rich-quick schemes, my postal mailbox is full of even more nefarious spam. Here's how I deal with it.
Somehow my address and full name (spelled any number of ways) has crept its way onto many a mailing list for coupons, catalogs, and free magazine samples. I spend a good portion of my afternoons each Sunday sorting my mail into three piles: mail I want, mail I don't want, and mail with business reply envelopes.
Few appreciate the generosity put forth by those who send you business reply mail cards or envelopes. Business reply mail cards say "Postage will be paid by addressee" or "No postage necessary if mailed in the United States". This means that THEY WILL PAY THE POSTAGE COSTS no matter HOW LUDICROUS!
Just take all of the junk mail you receive, strip off your name and address, and shove it in a big envelope. Insert a note saying "enclosed is the information you requested" and krazy-glue the business reply card to the outside.
For bills that include stupid advertising sheets alongside the request for payment, include a nasty note saying something like "Throw this out for me, you mouth-breathing spam monkeys. Don't send any more or I will send my brother after you. He's a lawyer.".
For organizations that pester you to the point of extreme GAR, simply affix the reply card to an ordinary brick or cinderblock and dump it in your neighborhood mailbox. Thanks to the miracle of BUSINESS REPLY MAIL, it will go to its destination on THEIR DIME! Beaujolais to that!
A note to those of you who are hopped up from licking stamps all day and are about to rush out and try this: Do NOT put your return address on the envelope! As a matter of fact, put ANOTHER DAMN COMPANY in the return address. The post office will send this goddamn brick bouncing all over these United States trying to figure out who will pay the postage on the damn thing!
It's no wonder postal workers all go apeshit and shoot each other. They're so overworked sending bricks from bored punks all over creation. As a matter of fact, I'm amazed that there aren't more headlines like "POST OFFICE BRICKFIGHT LEAVES 12 DEAD" out there.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)