Build Date: Mon Sep 9 15:20:07 2024 UTC
Some of us figured out in the 1950s that blacklists were a bad idea. Some of us have that lesson still ahead of us.
-- John Gilmore
Hey, check out my crotch!
2001-08-25 20:07:40
Back in the glory days of Silicon Valley, you couldn't be a libertarian hacker without owning a pair of Chi-Pants. Unfortunately, Loma Prieta took out the business and we've all had to wear uncomfortable, restrictive pants since then. Until now!
The 1989 earthquake caused too much damage to Chi-Pants' headquarters and production facilities, and the fledgeling business folded within a year. Many of you Johnny-Come- Latelies who came online for the fame and riches won't remember Chi-Pants. I, on the other hand, was dealing drugs by 1200 baud modem ten years before anyone ever used the word 'e-commerce.' In those days, Chi-Pants were a staple of what was then called "New Edge" which is just a nauseating way of saying "geeks with too much money."
Anyway, Chi-Pants are just pants, but they have a gusset instead of a cross-stitch. Look at your crotch. If what you see looks like the intersection of State and Main, then you don't have them. If what you see is a diamond-shaped panel that gives you a vast range of motion for all the kung-fu moves you don't know how to do, then congratulations! You're wearing Chi-Pants, or at least something similar.
Chi-Pants are back in business, with the backing of Men's Wearhouse. Who knows how long they'll be in business, because Men's Wearhouse is going to expect them to actually sell in order to keep backing Chi-Wear (the new incarnation includes more than just pants). And face it, today's computer geeks are generally a pretty pathetic bunch who wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything that didn't come from Banana Republic or some other Gap subsidiary. No longer do you have the sort of computer people who are willing to "think outside the box" enough to wear pants that feel good. No, today's computer professionals are sheep who don't even remember OS/2 and the Newton, and would never want to own an Edsel. Being smarter than your boss isn't cool anymore, so who will buy Chi-Pants?
Well, if you're one of the people who will, better buy them now and buy as many as you can, 'cause I'm betting that not enough people are smart enough to get it and buy 'em, and as sad as it makes me to say this, I bet this is a short window of opportunity to get some great pants before the visionaries who thought this up get shot in the back again. So put your orders in now while you can. Your crotch will thank you.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Ratsnatcher gets HOT HOT HOT in this classic road tale that looks at the steamy underworld of Bay Area Linux advocacy. Loosen your collar for this one! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
