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State of Jefferson, Eh?

by Mr. Bad

2000-06-03 15:02:27

So, California is a BIG state. Like, a REALLY big state. There's just a lot of stuff here. A lot of people, a lot of land. And the folks in Jefferson want to take part of that away. Beaujolais for them!

Every once in a while I have to make the trip from the lovely and talented San Francisco Bay Area to one of the dismal, rain-drenched burgs of the Pacific Northwest. The best way to do this, of course, is to drive the immense and lonely highway known as Highway 5, the Highway at the End of the America, which travels through the sparse and rocky country of Northern California.

We in SF think that we are "Northern California," but really we're almost exactly halfway between the Mexican and Oregon borders. The REAL Northern Cal is just barely agricultural -- mostly big Federal and state parks interspersed with ostrich farms, clear cuts, and tiny inbred bucktooth villages. It's the backwash of the American westward migration -- an eddy in the flow of world progress. It's the loneliest place I regularly go to.

Anyways, part of the drive through Northern California is seeing the Jefferson State Barn, a big ol' piece of tin on the side of the road with the words "Welcome to the State of Jefferson" written on the roof. There's a big ass metal bull, like about 18 feet tall, right next to it. It's pretty freaky, man.

We had this proposition on the California ballot a few years ago that would separate California between North and South into two separate states. San Franciscans loved it until they found out that the dividing line was somewhere north of Santa Rosa. In other words, WE would be stuck with LA. Fuck that! If we have to stay here, those crazy bucktooth hillbillies have to stay here, too! The prop went down in terrible defeat.

I've always figured that the "State of Jefferson" sign had something to do with that proposition. But last time I went down Highway 5, there was a big Earl on the Jefferson barn. After checking out the Web site (linked below) I found out that the Deep North has been a HOTBED of SEPARATISM for over 50 years! It's a little treasonous haven for horrible loggers-cum-revolutionaries. Those crazy folks are gonna separate off if it kills all of us.

Beaujolais for them!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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