Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a
holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten
days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with
Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission.
We're having menacing blizzards! Five inches of rust-belt acid-snow today!
And it's a deep, burning cold outside. On Christmas day it was -25 degrees real
temperature, which doesn't include wind-chill. There are filthy icicles
everywhere, hanging off mailboxes and even people. They say it's the most
vicious winter in years.
The hog population is being slaughtered en masse because the animals keep
getting frostbite, which ruins the flavor of the meat. So all about town the
snow is RED, and there's a powerful stink of roasting and curing pig coming out
of all the chimneys. Just today I drove past a house that had six or seven
large sows in a line on the front grass, each missing a head. The local kids
put the heads on snowmen, for crissakes!! It's really grim. Nobody worries
about wild dogs or critters getting at them, because the carcasses are frozen
so solid that you would need a sledgehammer just to move them -- these things
freeze to the ground right where they're killed -- and it's too cold for the
dogs to be outside anyway. The only living things around here are the black
jackdaws that perch about. They never touch pork for some reason, so it's not a
concern.
The one thing that people in this state know how to do is drink. The liquor
cabinet is well stocked at all times. They even have a Web Van-like delivery
service here that does nothing but deliver booze and tobacco products. A pair
of snowmobiles comes by every other day and tosses a satchel onto the porch.
There is NOTHING to do in the morning but stay inside, nursing hangovers, and
waiting for a break in the heavy storm action -- just so we can run out to the
garage and chip off some more pork for dinner.
