Build Date: Thu Dec 7 07:10:26 2023 UTC
I want my invisible jet, just like Wonder Woman. Does that make me gay?
-- Dag
Iowa Armageddon
2000-12-31 15:04:38
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission.
We're having menacing blizzards! Five inches of rust-belt acid-snow today! And it's a deep, burning cold outside. On Christmas day it was -25 degrees real temperature, which doesn't include wind-chill. There are filthy icicles everywhere, hanging off mailboxes and even people. They say it's the most vicious winter in years.
The hog population is being slaughtered en masse because the animals keep getting frostbite, which ruins the flavor of the meat. So all about town the snow is RED, and there's a powerful stink of roasting and curing pig coming out of all the chimneys. Just today I drove past a house that had six or seven large sows in a line on the front grass, each missing a head. The local kids put the heads on snowmen, for crissakes!! It's really grim. Nobody worries about wild dogs or critters getting at them, because the carcasses are frozen so solid that you would need a sledgehammer just to move them -- these things freeze to the ground right where they're killed -- and it's too cold for the dogs to be outside anyway. The only living things around here are the black jackdaws that perch about. They never touch pork for some reason, so it's not a concern.
The one thing that people in this state know how to do is drink. The liquor cabinet is well stocked at all times. They even have a Web Van-like delivery service here that does nothing but deliver booze and tobacco products. A pair of snowmobiles comes by every other day and tosses a satchel onto the porch. There is NOTHING to do in the morning but stay inside, nursing hangovers, and waiting for a break in the heavy storm action -- just so we can run out to the garage and chip off some more pork for dinner.
Ham! I'm swimming in Ham!
T O P S T O R I E S
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
How much force does it take to pull out nose hair?
Have you ever pulled out a nose hair and felt like part of your brain came with it? Have your eyes watered from the extreme pain? Did you wonder how much force it took? Would you pull out 50 more hairs afterwards, using precise measuring instruments, to determine the answer IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE? (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)