Can you believe it? We've been having this WACKASS CONTEST for FIVE YEARS. FIVE! That's a lot of years! To have a contest! About Christmas essays! I mean serious! And it's time once again (OK, a little past time, I agree) to do it to me one more time! For Christmas's fucking sake! Beaujolais!
I'm all shouting and shit because I'm so excited about our FIFTH ANNUAL CONTEST. We've been on the Innurnet for a while, but I guess I hadn't really thought about it until I saw the big FIVE up there in the title of this article. FIVE YEARS! Crappo!
I mean, back in 1998, when we started this contest, people used to WALK AROUND NAKED and EAT RAW MAMMOTH and WORSHIP TREES and shit. I think. I mean, it was ANCIENT PREHISTORY of a MAGNIFICENT SORT, and of all the things that have been LOST or STOLEN since that ANTEDILUVIAN EPOCH, not much remains! Except! The! Pigdog Journal! Christmas! Essay! Contest!!!!!1!
Holy crap! Check this shit out. Our READERS are the BEST READERS EVER, what with the FINE ESSAY CONTEST SUBMISSIONS and shit. We have all these crazy essays dating back to the dawn of human time! Our essay contest is like the NE PLUS ULTRA of CHRISTMAS TIME CHEER and shit. We are better than "It's A Wonderful Life" and random company sex party hookups and free grog all rolled into one! That is how good this essay contest is!
So, anyways, I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will. Readers are encouraged to submit a Christmas essay to Pigdog Journal for publication on, or after, or near, The Christmas Day of Jesus. The contest rules are as follows:
All entries must be in ASCII text form. Word documents will be disposed of immediately. HTML is a pile of crap. If you
have some pictures of angels and teddy bears and Norman Rockwell Xmas families that should go with your essay submission,
put them in your Special Wishing Place and wish real hard! And then don't send them to us. Just text. OK?
All entries must nominally treat the chosen subject for this year's contest. Entries that don't even pay lip-service
to the essay subject will be dismissed out of hand.
The winner of the contest will be announced sometime on Xmas Day, Dec 25, 2002, after I get up and have some coffee
and see what kind of trinkets and bon bons The Santy Claus left me.
Employees of Pigdog Worldwide Ventures, Inc. or any of its subsidiaries, as well as their families and illegitimate offspring, are FORBIDDEN BY LAW from participating in the Christmas Essay Contest, unless they can think up some real good fake email account and sneak an entry in. Not that I'm encouraging that or anything. Hint hint.
See! It's that easy! And the winner of the essay contest gets these fabulous prizes!
A four-pack of Guinness (TM) brand gut-heavy wheat booze beverage! In those fancy science cans! The traditional GRAND PRIZE OF CHAMPIONS!
Publication of their essay in The Pigdog Journal, the Internet's journal of record for all things Xmas-y!
A special surprise! Of the special and surprisey variety! If you know what I mean! And I think you do!
A sweet-ass I WON THE FIFTH ANNUAL PIGDOG JOURNAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT, AND SOME BEER, AND A SECRET SURPRISE t-shirt, subject to availability.
So, are you ready to TAKE YOUR SHOT and see if you HAVE WHAT IT TAKES to win the only damn thing WORTH WINNING in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!? Are you the MAN or WOMAN with the non-gender-specific TOUGHNESS and OBSCENELY OVERSIZED REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS to take down LENNY "TOO-TALL" TUBEROSE, the essay contest winner for FOUR YEARS RUNNING? How will you know! Unless you try! By submitting an essay of the appropriate length, format, and subject, within the time constraints proscribed! According to the rules listed above! To which I refer you once again!
Oh, shit! That reminds me -- I got all distracted with my Pop Warner pep talk there, and forgot that I have YET to specify this year's ESSAY CONTEST SUBJECT. Which is -- drum roll please -- oh god the tension is killing me -- OK, here it is:
I'll Grind His Bones To Make My Fruitcake
A Very Orcish Christmas
Isn't that a great essay subject? Funny and all topical and shit, too. That's the best kind. And, hey, fuck, EVERYBODY likes them there orcs and shit. They're the best thing for Christmas! Christmas Orc-style! That's what we're going for here, folks.
Anyways, GO WRITE A GODDAMN ESSAY. Serious. It's not too late to be the INNERNUT ELEBRIWHOOP you always wanted to be! Go go go! Schnell with the writing, already!