Build Date: Mon Sep 9 14:40:10 2024 UTC
Somebody needs to open up a whole warehouse full of bitch-slap on those jerks..
-- That One
FIFTH ANNUAL PIGDOG JOURNAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST
2002-12-19 10:25:12
Can you believe it? We've been having this WACKASS CONTEST for FIVE YEARS. FIVE! That's a lot of years! To have a contest! About Christmas essays! I mean serious! And it's time once again (OK, a little past time, I agree) to do it to me one more time! For Christmas's fucking sake! Beaujolais!
I'm all shouting and shit because I'm so excited about our FIFTH ANNUAL CONTEST. We've been on the Innurnet for a while, but I guess I hadn't really thought about it until I saw the big FIVE up there in the title of this article. FIVE YEARS! Crappo!
I mean, back in 1998, when we started this contest, people used to WALK AROUND NAKED and EAT RAW MAMMOTH and WORSHIP TREES and shit. I think. I mean, it was ANCIENT PREHISTORY of a MAGNIFICENT SORT, and of all the things that have been LOST or STOLEN since that ANTEDILUVIAN EPOCH, not much remains! Except! The! Pigdog Journal! Christmas! Essay! Contest!!!!!1!
Holy crap! Check this shit out. Our READERS are the BEST READERS EVER, what with the FINE ESSAY CONTEST SUBMISSIONS and shit. We have all these crazy essays dating back to the dawn of human time! Our essay contest is like the NE PLUS ULTRA of CHRISTMAS TIME CHEER and shit. We are better than "It's A Wonderful Life" and random company sex party hookups and free grog all rolled into one! That is how good this essay contest is!
So, anyways, I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will. Readers are encouraged to submit a Christmas essay to Pigdog Journal for publication on, or after, or near, The Christmas Day of Jesus. The contest rules are as follows:
- Entries must be submit to xmascontest2002@pigdog.org by Email Internet Post before December 24th, 2002.
- All entries must be in ASCII text form. Word documents will be disposed of immediately. HTML is a pile of crap. If you have some pictures of angels and teddy bears and Norman Rockwell Xmas families that should go with your essay submission, put them in your Special Wishing Place and wish real hard! And then don't send them to us. Just text. OK?
- All entries must nominally treat the chosen subject for this year's contest. Entries that don't even pay lip-service to the essay subject will be dismissed out of hand.
- The winner of the contest will be announced sometime on Xmas Day, Dec 25, 2002, after I get up and have some coffee and see what kind of trinkets and bon bons The Santy Claus left me.
- Employees of Pigdog Worldwide Ventures, Inc. or any of its subsidiaries, as well as their families and illegitimate offspring, are FORBIDDEN BY LAW from participating in the Christmas Essay Contest, unless they can think up some real good fake email account and sneak an entry in. Not that I'm encouraging that or anything. Hint hint.
See! It's that easy! And the winner of the essay contest gets these fabulous prizes!
- A four-pack of Guinness (TM) brand gut-heavy wheat booze beverage! In those fancy science cans! The traditional GRAND PRIZE OF CHAMPIONS!
- Publication of their essay in The Pigdog Journal, the Internet's journal of record for all things Xmas-y!
- A special surprise! Of the special and surprisey variety! If you know what I mean! And I think you do!
- A sweet-ass I WON THE FIFTH ANNUAL PIGDOG JOURNAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT, AND SOME BEER, AND A SECRET SURPRISE t-shirt, subject to availability.
So, are you ready to TAKE YOUR SHOT and see if you HAVE WHAT IT TAKES to win the only damn thing WORTH WINNING in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!? Are you the MAN or WOMAN with the non-gender-specific TOUGHNESS and OBSCENELY OVERSIZED REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS to take down LENNY "TOO-TALL" TUBEROSE, the essay contest winner for FOUR YEARS RUNNING? How will you know! Unless you try! By submitting an essay of the appropriate length, format, and subject, within the time constraints proscribed! According to the rules listed above! To which I refer you once again!
Oh, shit! That reminds me -- I got all distracted with my Pop Warner pep talk there, and forgot that I have YET to specify this year's ESSAY CONTEST SUBJECT. Which is -- drum roll please -- oh god the tension is killing me -- OK, here it is:
Isn't that a great essay subject? Funny and all topical and shit, too. That's the best kind. And, hey, fuck, EVERYBODY likes them there orcs and shit. They're the best thing for Christmas! Christmas Orc-style! That's what we're going for here, folks.
Anyways, GO WRITE A GODDAMN ESSAY. Serious. It's not too late to be the INNERNUT ELEBRIWHOOP you always wanted to be! Go go go! Schnell with the writing, already!
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
If you broke into Pigdog's top sekrit headquarters, spying on their mysterious mix of weird science and old-skool geekiness, you'd overhear this conversation: (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Boo-zho-lay for you, Pigdog reader! Another fine Spocktail of the week is available for you. And this week's offering is EXTRA special and fancy, since it celebrates the birthday of Pigdog's own STAR TWINS! (More...)
