Build Date: Wed Sep 3 01:50:24 2025 UTC
Freaks also need to be divided into two categories, the really scary freaks and the just sorta cute & cuddly freaks.
-- Lisa Scovel
Pigdog Journal Second Annual Essay Contest HONORABLE MENTION
1999-12-27 17:42:36
This is one of the fabu entries in our Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest. It is honorable, so we mention it. It manages to weave Hitler, cryonics, and etoys.com into a single narrative thread. Beaujolais! Enjoy!
The Gestapo officer strode arrogantly into the room. The withered, embalmed head of the Fuhrer sat in his fishtank of honor, his brain hooked up to the most advanced technology 1945 had to offer. Too bad it was 1999. Ol' Adolph was leaking brains all over the place, and it wasn't like he had them to spare to begin with.
"SIEG HEIL!" shrieked the Gestapo Oberleutantfuhrerguy.
Hitler gurgled, "BLOOBA BLOOBA BLOOB!" cause he was in a fishtank, you know.
"Ahh, noooo," said the Officer slowly. "That was the Fourth Reich. They were destroyed by the Israelis in the Secret Atom War of 1947. This is--oh, mein Gott, umm, let's see..." He checked his Big Book of Reichs. "This is the 94th Reich."
"BLOOBA BLOOBLE BLORP?"
"No, I'm sorry, but Nixon's brain isn't here. I dropped it."
"BLORGAL? Bloop BLORGAL?!"
"Ja Wohl! And stepped on it."
"BLUNK! BLOBBLE!!"
"Hey, I said I was sorry!"
"BLoooooooPPP!"
"Excuse me?"
"Bluh bloog a bluhhh." said the Fuhrer embarassedly.
"Well, you eat too much sausage, it'll happen. I'll get someone to change your fishtank water."
Hitler, the worst scourge on humanity ever ever ever, or at least second worst, definitely top ten worst, I mean, sure John Tesh sucks but...I'm sorry? What was this about again?
"Blobbula blub blub!"
Oh yes! Thank you, mein herr! Hitler, he said something.
"But--Mein Fuhrer!" stammered the officer in shock. "The Reich can be resurrected 94 times, even though it's just you, me and Ollie North by now, but we can never commit the most horrible of horrors!"
"BLUP!"
"JA, MEIN FUHRER!!" The officer jabbed his arm into the air in salute, and shrieked "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS! We shall rise again! Today, eToys.com, tomorrow the WORLD gets a lump of coal!!"
He goosestepped from the room to do his Evil Lord's Bidding, but didn't notice tripping over the fishtank's air hose.
"Blooble? Blooble...?" came the bubbles softly as the air ran out...
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
We here at Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL - world leaders in beverage research and leisure technology) have been noting some complaints about a few of the last Spocktails recipes we’ve released to the general public. Some complaints received to barfback and pigdog-l have centered around the opinion that no one in their right minds would make the drink in question much less consume it. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
