Build Date: Wed Oct 15 07:30:12 2025 UTC
Blackhawks are just big, dumb troop carriers, like flying AC Transit buses.
-- Tjames Madison
Pigdog Journal Second Annual Essay Contest HONORABLE MENTION
1999-12-27 17:42:36
This is one of the fabu entries in our Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest. It is honorable, so we mention it. It manages to weave Hitler, cryonics, and etoys.com into a single narrative thread. Beaujolais! Enjoy!
The Gestapo officer strode arrogantly into the room. The withered, embalmed head of the Fuhrer sat in his fishtank of honor, his brain hooked up to the most advanced technology 1945 had to offer. Too bad it was 1999. Ol' Adolph was leaking brains all over the place, and it wasn't like he had them to spare to begin with.
"SIEG HEIL!" shrieked the Gestapo Oberleutantfuhrerguy.
Hitler gurgled, "BLOOBA BLOOBA BLOOB!" cause he was in a fishtank, you know.
"Ahh, noooo," said the Officer slowly. "That was the Fourth Reich. They were destroyed by the Israelis in the Secret Atom War of 1947. This is--oh, mein Gott, umm, let's see..." He checked his Big Book of Reichs. "This is the 94th Reich."
"BLOOBA BLOOBLE BLORP?"
"No, I'm sorry, but Nixon's brain isn't here. I dropped it."
"BLORGAL? Bloop BLORGAL?!"
"Ja Wohl! And stepped on it."
"BLUNK! BLOBBLE!!"
"Hey, I said I was sorry!"
"BLoooooooPPP!"
"Excuse me?"
"Bluh bloog a bluhhh." said the Fuhrer embarassedly.
"Well, you eat too much sausage, it'll happen. I'll get someone to change your fishtank water."
Hitler, the worst scourge on humanity ever ever ever, or at least second worst, definitely top ten worst, I mean, sure John Tesh sucks but...I'm sorry? What was this about again?
"Blobbula blub blub!"
Oh yes! Thank you, mein herr! Hitler, he said something.
"But--Mein Fuhrer!" stammered the officer in shock. "The Reich can be resurrected 94 times, even though it's just you, me and Ollie North by now, but we can never commit the most horrible of horrors!"
"BLUP!"
"JA, MEIN FUHRER!!" The officer jabbed his arm into the air in salute, and shrieked "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS! We shall rise again! Today, eToys.com, tomorrow the WORLD gets a lump of coal!!"
He goosestepped from the room to do his Evil Lord's Bidding, but didn't notice tripping over the fishtank's air hose.
"Blooble? Blooble...?" came the bubbles softly as the air ran out...
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
