Pigdog Journal Second Annual Essay Contest HONORABLE MENTION
1999-12-27 17:42:36

Sappy Christmas Shit
Situationist. Heh heh heh heh heh. Damn, doesn't the _idea_ of being a "Situationist" just crack you up?
-- Mr. Bad


This is one of the fabu entries in our Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest. It is honorable, so we mention it. It manages to weave Hitler, cryonics, and etoys.com into a single narrative thread. Beaujolais! Enjoy!

The Gestapo officer strode arrogantly into the room. The withered, embalmed head of the Fuhrer sat in his fishtank of honor, his brain hooked up to the most advanced technology 1945 had to offer. Too bad it was 1999. Ol' Adolph was leaking brains all over the place, and it wasn't like he had them to spare to begin with.

"SIEG HEIL!" shrieked the Gestapo Oberleutantfuhrerguy.

Hitler gurgled, "BLOOBA BLOOBA BLOOB!" cause he was in a fishtank, you know.

"Ahh, noooo," said the Officer slowly. "That was the Fourth Reich. They were destroyed by the Israelis in the Secret Atom War of 1947. This is--oh, mein Gott, umm, let's see..." He checked his Big Book of Reichs. "This is the 94th Reich."


"No, I'm sorry, but Nixon's brain isn't here. I dropped it."


"Ja Wohl! And stepped on it."


"Hey, I said I was sorry!"


"Excuse me?"

"Bluh bloog a bluhhh." said the Fuhrer embarassedly.

"Well, you eat too much sausage, it'll happen. I'll get someone to change your fishtank water."

Hitler, the worst scourge on humanity ever ever ever, or at least second worst, definitely top ten worst, I mean, sure John Tesh sucks but...I'm sorry? What was this about again?

"Blobbula blub blub!"

Oh yes! Thank you, mein herr! Hitler, he said something.

"But--Mein Fuhrer!" stammered the officer in shock. "The Reich can be resurrected 94 times, even though it's just you, me and Ollie North by now, but we can never commit the most horrible of horrors!"


"JA, MEIN FUHRER!!" The officer jabbed his arm into the air in salute, and shrieked "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS! We shall rise again! Today, eToys.com, tomorrow the WORLD gets a lump of coal!!"

He goosestepped from the room to do his Evil Lord's Bidding, but didn't notice tripping over the fishtank's air hose.

"Blooble? Blooble...?" came the bubbles softly as the air ran out...

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


comments powered by Disqus


T O P   S T O R I E S

Eavesdropping on Geeks: Did Anyone Like 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi'?
by Lenny, Thom 'Starky' Stark, Geoffrey, Splicer, Baron, Destino

Henry Juszkiewicz Destroys Gibson Guitars
by Thom 'Starky' Stark

Does anyone care about being wrong about Appalachia?
by Baron Earl

Eavesdropping on Geeks: Music to Protest By
by Flesh, Master Squid, Baron Earl, El Destino


El Destino

Zeitgeist's Legendary 'Tamale Lady' Dies Just Weeks Before Opening Her Long-Awaited Restaurant


Baron Earl

Cliff Burton Day in Castro Valley


El Destino

When Spock met PLATO


El Destino

A musical reminder: Don't Say GIF


El Destino

Devo's one and only Christmas song


El Destino

What teenaged girls really wanted to ask David Cassidy


El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"


El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?


El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth


Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

More Quickies...