This is one of the fabu entries in our Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest. It is
honorable, so we mention it. It manages to weave Hitler, cryonics,
and etoys.com into a single narrative thread. Beaujolais! Enjoy!
The Gestapo officer strode arrogantly into the room. The withered, embalmed
head of the Fuhrer sat in his fishtank of honor,
his brain hooked up to the most advanced technology 1945 had to offer.
Too bad it was 1999. Ol' Adolph was leaking brains all over the place, and
it wasn't like he had them to spare to begin with.
"SIEG HEIL!" shrieked the Gestapo Oberleutantfuhrerguy.
Hitler gurgled, "BLOOBA BLOOBA BLOOB!" cause he was in a fishtank, you know.
"Ahh, noooo," said the Officer slowly. "That was the Fourth Reich. They were
destroyed by the Israelis in the Secret Atom War of 1947. This is--oh, mein
Gott, umm, let's see..." He checked his Big Book of Reichs. "This is the
"BLOOBA BLOOBLE BLORP?"
"No, I'm sorry, but Nixon's brain isn't here. I dropped it."
"BLORGAL? Bloop BLORGAL?!"
"Ja Wohl! And stepped on it."
"Hey, I said I was sorry!"
"Bluh bloog a bluhhh." said the Fuhrer embarassedly.
"Well, you eat too much sausage, it'll happen. I'll get someone to change
your fishtank water."
Hitler, the worst scourge on humanity ever ever ever, or at least second
worst, definitely top ten worst, I mean, sure John Tesh sucks but...I'm
sorry? What was this about again?
"Blobbula blub blub!"
Oh yes! Thank you, mein herr! Hitler, he said something.
"But--Mein Fuhrer!" stammered the officer in shock. "The Reich can be
resurrected 94 times, even though it's just you, me and Ollie North by now,
but we can never commit the most horrible of horrors!"
"JA, MEIN FUHRER!!" The officer jabbed his arm into the air in salute, and
shrieked "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS! We shall rise again!
Today, eToys.com, tomorrow the WORLD gets a lump of coal!!"
He goosestepped from the room to do his Evil Lord's Bidding, but didn't
notice tripping over the fishtank's air hose.
"Blooble? Blooble...?" came the bubbles softly as the air ran out...