Burn them ALL! ALL of THEM!


Pigdog Journal Second Annual Essay Contest HONORABLE MENTION
1999-12-27 17:42:36

Sappy Christmas Shit
He had a very sort of, a strangely very attractive sort of pungent sort of gamey, sort of a venison or a lamb sausage... and a little bit of rosemary with a touch of ranch dressing.
-- James Spader, discussing the aroma of William Shatner


This is one of the fabu entries in our Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest. It is honorable, so we mention it. It manages to weave Hitler, cryonics, and etoys.com into a single narrative thread. Beaujolais! Enjoy!

The Gestapo officer strode arrogantly into the room. The withered, embalmed head of the Fuhrer sat in his fishtank of honor, his brain hooked up to the most advanced technology 1945 had to offer. Too bad it was 1999. Ol' Adolph was leaking brains all over the place, and it wasn't like he had them to spare to begin with.

"SIEG HEIL!" shrieked the Gestapo Oberleutantfuhrerguy.

Hitler gurgled, "BLOOBA BLOOBA BLOOB!" cause he was in a fishtank, you know.

"Ahh, noooo," said the Officer slowly. "That was the Fourth Reich. They were destroyed by the Israelis in the Secret Atom War of 1947. This is--oh, mein Gott, umm, let's see..." He checked his Big Book of Reichs. "This is the 94th Reich."


"No, I'm sorry, but Nixon's brain isn't here. I dropped it."


"Ja Wohl! And stepped on it."


"Hey, I said I was sorry!"


"Excuse me?"

"Bluh bloog a bluhhh." said the Fuhrer embarassedly.

"Well, you eat too much sausage, it'll happen. I'll get someone to change your fishtank water."

Hitler, the worst scourge on humanity ever ever ever, or at least second worst, definitely top ten worst, I mean, sure John Tesh sucks but...I'm sorry? What was this about again?

"Blobbula blub blub!"

Oh yes! Thank you, mein herr! Hitler, he said something.

"But--Mein Fuhrer!" stammered the officer in shock. "The Reich can be resurrected 94 times, even though it's just you, me and Ollie North by now, but we can never commit the most horrible of horrors!"


"JA, MEIN FUHRER!!" The officer jabbed his arm into the air in salute, and shrieked "THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS! We shall rise again! Today, eToys.com, tomorrow the WORLD gets a lump of coal!!"

He goosestepped from the room to do his Evil Lord's Bidding, but didn't notice tripping over the fishtank's air hose.

"Blooble? Blooble...?" came the bubbles softly as the air ran out...

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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