Only the Strong of Heart Survive

by Mr. Bad

2000-01-10 20:57:26

We're Professionals, Dammit!

I've been in the news biz for many a year, my friend, and I have to say that there is no SADDER SIGHT than seeing the FIRE in a YOUNG JOURNALIST's belly extinguished by the filthy lucre of R.U. Sirius. But what can you say? Some of us have backbones, some of us are men of honor, and others work for tabloid.net.

There once was a day when Tabloid.net was the PREMIERE SITE for Independent Journalism and bold honest muckrakery on this Global World Wide Internet. They took on the bitter ugly dregs of the news world with charming clarity and TWO-FISTED chutzpah! They could wipe their ASS with a pansy-ass wannabe like Matt Drudge.

The cool thing about their news coverage is that they didn't shy away from the real issues. Like, they covered the CLUB MED RIOTS with sophisticated aplomb! and they covered the riots in JAKARTA! -AND- they covered the South Africa riots! Sure, that may seem like a lot of riot coverage, but why the hell not!? Riots are COOL. Damn!

Tabloid.net also had some real ornery columnists like "Nitrane" Ken Layne, who would write gripey constipated columns about how stupid everybody is and how much he hated them all. That was great! I liked that part. I hate everybody, too, so it was like they were singing my song.

T-dot-n even became something of a cause celebre last year when they sued the bejeesus out of the Florida Orange Juice Bund. See, Tabloid.net had this crazy talking ham sandwich as a mascot thingy, and then all of a sudden Florida Orange Juice ALSO had a talking sandwich mascot thingy. Which, if you think about it, is a STUPID mascot for orange juice. Like, HEY EINSTEIN, how about using TALKING ORANGE JUICE instead? You're not the Florida HAM SANDWICH council, dipshits. Fucking DUH.

Oh, but anyways, Tabloid.net SUED the Orange Juice Bund, but the Floridians claimed that it was ridiculous, and that they would ever have even SEEN the thing on tabloid.net, since tabloid.net was small and struggling and plucky and obscure and shit. Then, in a spectacular coopy-day-gracie, the lawyers for Tabloid.net producted the SERVER LOGS that showed hits from machines at blah-blah-blah dot orange-juice-bund dot com! And they won the case, like it was Perry Mason or something! Briliante!

I loved tabloid.net, DAMMIT! So why did they have to CHANGE? With the big dollars they squeezed out of Florida Oranges, they could have continued producing quality thought-provoking two-fisted journalism awd eenfineetoom. But that is not the case at all.

Look at the tabloid.net site now! They no longer have original stories at all -- it's just links to their bogus freelance stories published in the porn-and-wrestling magazine gettingit.com, run by the nefarious and unpleasant R.U. SIRIUS. What the HELL is up with that? Why would they take something as wonderful and interesting and fabuloso as tabloid.net and abandon it in favor of something as blecherous and lowly as Getting It? For CRIMINY SAKE, it's the R.U. SIRIUS MAGAZINE. Doesn't that say ENOUGH for you?!

I don't know what to say. Maybe there is no justice in the world, and crummy R.U. Sirius magazines like Getting It will always win over hard-nosed reporting like tabloid.net. But this I can assure you, loyal readers: Pigdog Journal will NEVER sell out to R.U. Sirius! And not just because Getting It is running out of dollars. No, it's because we have the NERVES of STEEL to stand up to Web entrepreneurs. We've got a NOSE for NEWS that can't be bought by the likes of R.U. Sirius. No SIR!

My advice to the former tabloid.net writers, when they wake up from the hangover of riding the R.U. Sirius elevator to FLOOR ZERO in the LOSER BASEMENT? It's the same advice I give to all over-the-hill journalists who traded their youth and vigor for the cold pap of commerce:

"hey, FAT BOYS! Ha ha ha! You need to get HUNGRY again. Lean and cruel, with one ear to the ground at all times, like a Real Pigdog Journalist. Try rubbing down with gasoline and doing 200 pushups and 200 pullups twice a day. Get ANGRY! Drink straight Everclear! Learn a little something about JOURNALISM and maybe someday we'll let you be our COPY BOYS. Muahahahaha!"

Check it out yourself

tunafish@pigdog.org