Celebrity endorsement impersonated


U.S. Navy Buckles Under Withering Fire From Pigdog Journal
2001-06-14 09:14:28

Pigdog Journal
I have a portfolio of meat pictures.
-- Mr. Biggles


Well, sometimes in this difficult journalism biz you just gotta feel like a big dumb hillbilly what doesn't know his own strength and keeps accidentally breaking chairs and staircases in his big dumb hands. You know what I'm talking about? Because, like, who'd a thunk the UNITED STATES NAVY would flee before the punishing barrage of criticism from Pigdog Journal?

On Tuesday I covered a semi-interesting low-level "virtual sit-in" that was being done to protest the US Navy's continued bombing of the island of Vieques (off Puerto Rico). Vieques is, I guess, this like really nice island in the Caribbean that has continually gotten the shit blown out of it for no particularly good reason by the US Navy.

"We gotta blow SOMETHING up with all these bombs we got here, or else they'll go to waste," reasons the US Navy. "So why don't we blow up this here little island? BAM! KERPOW! Haw haw haw! SMASH! That last one was really COOL!" Etcetera, etcetera.

The actual virtual sit-in turned out to be a bit of a disappointment on the technical side, I'm sad to say. The closely guarded Secret Plan was that there was this Web page at the virtual sit-in that had some of that there Javurscript on it. It loaded up the RECRUITMENT FORM for the U.S. Navy every 60 seconds and filled it in with gibberish -- a description of a 7'11" woman named "U.S. out of/c Vieques/Conyo" -- and then submitted the form. This seemed like a particularly weak attack to me, as I was doing it, considering that a single SQL command could wipe out all records WHERE FIRST_NAME = "U.S. out of".

I have to admit that I liked the jauntly little "conyo" added at the end. It made me feel all sassy and Puerto Rican every time the form auto-submitted.

Still, the SEARING HOT LIGHT of HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM is more than most government agencies can stand. Within 48 hours of Pigdog Journal's FIRST EVER article about Vieques, an aide to President Bush scurried to the microphone to announce a complete withdrawal from Vieques by 2003 (see link at bottom).

An excerpt from his speech: "Under the EXCRUTIATING JOURNALISTIC PRESSURE of Webzine Pigdog Journal, the U.S. Navy has decided to CONCEDE ALL POINTS in a TOTAL AND HUMILIATING RETREAT from Vieques Island. We will do whatever you want, whatever you say, as long as you stop shining the PAINFUL LASER LIGHT OF TRUTH on our venal verminous activities."

Well, fat FUKKEN chance on that! Perhaps other Webzines, made suddenly aware of their own power to CHANGE WORLD EVENTS, would choose to use that power responsibly, but NOT PIGDOG JOURNAL. We'll be back in the ring to take another swing and soon! As soon as we figure out another right to be wronged, or another fight to be fought, we'll LET LOOSE with ALL GUNS like a NAVY DESTROYER attacking a VIEQUES SEA TURTLE. It's what you, our readers, have come to expect, and what we've come to give to you, conyo!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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