Build Date: Fri Jul 11 11:20:52 2025 UTC
I've been working on my resume for 10 solid years, but when it gets done, it will be exquisite.
-- Ratsnatcher
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
2006-08-08 11:23:05
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population.
Technologically, the War on Terror has been a blessing. I'm not talking about the new high-tech methods of heroin smuggling. I'm talking about about the technology developed for 21st century guerilla warfare.
Take the Roomba for example. There is no way in hell that anyone would have taken the time to develop a robot that motors along while remembering where it has already been without the War on Terror. If it hadn't been for Bin Laden, my carpet would still be a disaster and my dog would be chasing his own tail instead of his Roomba. Thank you, terrorists.
Another technological advance I credit to the War on Terror is the rise of cheap digital cameras. Before the toppling of Saddam Hussein, digital cameras were still more expensive than conventional film cameras. However, the demand for digital images of terrorists beheading journalists and soldiers dragging Abu-Ghraib prisoners through dog doo-doo has drastically driven the digicam market.
Let us not forget the Hummer, whose popularity jumped enormously due to people being afraid of terrorists. Long gone are the days in which a gallon per mile city mileage rating coupled with $3/gallon gas is scarier than a downtown rocket-propelled grenade attack. As an added bonus, GPS systems are pre-installed so that civilians will never have to worry about accidentally driving through a bad neighborhood.
The only technological advance that has personally helped me is the indestructible laptop. Itronix sent thousands of these to the Gulf and now they are coming back and showing themselves on eBay. I paid a shade over $200 for one and let me tell you, it is very hard to break. I tried throwing it out of a moving car and it still kept playing Seven Samurais. Can I use it in the bathtub? No problem, although it doesn't exactly float. It's also great for breaking down stubborn doors, as a garden tool, and can be conveniently put away in the freezer.
Now I just need to wait it out until the Hummer laptops start showing up on ebay.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
