SETI@Home is not just ay-leen spacecraft anymore. Now you
can get PAID in a major way for heatin' up your CPU.
Distributed.net estimates with all
combined boxes they have a $100M computer. This monster has been cracking away
at scientific curiousities like ay-leen radio and 7^20(mod 11)ish encryption
formulae. Pointless, right? It is questionable whether or not money can buy
love, but you know pointless information can't buy a satchel of weed. Process Tree, a company introduced
shortly after Y2K (maybe they were scared of doomsday) is developing a plan to
pay users up to $20 a month for their CPU cycles.
Yeah, I know you are sitting there, thumbs resting on your Model M, thinking
``A 20 snap for a machine, that's booty, I'd rather crack an ay-leen.''
Keeping my promise to the free world of cheapskate, knuckleheads, and hustlers,
I bring you the Pao-Tzu guide to preparing a in-home distributed network.
Disclaimer: WARNING! Some of the techniques described in this educational
guide are quite illegal in your area, I take no responsibility for your actions.
Do not actually try this.
First of all you need tune up your electricity (fraud). Usually, if you own a
house, you are fucked, as the monopolistic electric company owns you and your
bank account. Fuck the man. OK, so what to do? Well, I have found the best way
to scam electricity is to move either into a large shared apartment or a duplex
with at least two vacancies. Run juice off the wires that nobody is in charge
of. When they send you the bill addressed to the missing person(s), check the
due date. If it is a 15-day notice, shred it. Do not act until you get the
48-hour notice. Simply call them and explain you have accidentally been running
a power strip to the wrong outlet and had been using it for a two months but
that it was not the responsibility of the landlord or the former tenant. You
will get all that electricity for free. They will claim they will move the
charges to your account. Nope, in 48 hours a technician will arrive and shut
off all power. Essentially, the electric company cannot make charges from one
account onto another after service is terminated. If you are lucky and act
confused enough about who was using what power, they might start over your bill
too. If you end up in jail, don't fret, by the time you get out the linux
version of the client will be finished.
Otherwise you will have to wait around for processtree to develop a linux client
and begin the actual payment program. Can't even get the beta windows client to
work properly in wine at this point, but I suppose that will change.
Now you need computers. Check your bank account. If you have more than $10,000
to spare skip this step. Visit your local hydroponic store (there is a nice one
in Santa Rosa) and buy five 1000 watt sodium bulbs/ballasts. Buy large
quantities of vermiculite, perlite, and liquid fertilizer. If fans are not
available in shop, head down to your local hardware store and buy two of the
absolute biggest ones you can. Get a 2x8meter piece of mylar and fasten it to
anchored wooden beams to create a room within a room. Stretch several lengths
of black plastic over all your windows. Hang the lights from either the ceiling
or a beam under your top sheet of mylar. Turn on all the fans & lights. Dump
the perlite and vermiculite into 7 plastic pots, buckets, or whatever you have
available. Line these in seven rows of seven. Plant a bunch of weed seedlings
that you grew. Oh, no Cannabis handy? Just run to Canada or mail order from
Holland for some. Cut tops of plants every few nodes that come out to force
apical meristem of side branches to take off from the hormonal fluctation. Feed
them regularly, but not too much. When monstro, flower plants by cutting light
back to eight hours a day. You will know it is time to harvest when the
electric company comes and shuts off your power. Cut off all leaves and leave
plants in dark for 48 hours. Clip flowers, dry, sell on open market.
Have in pockets $10,000 in hundreds and twenties. $15,000 if you assigned an
weed name to your harvest like ``White Widow'' or ``Chocolate Thai.''
Buy EDO RAM, MMX or K6-2 processors, motherboards, power supplies, used tower
cases, cheap ethernet cards, crimpers, rj-45 plugs, and a few hundred feet of
cable. Do not bother with hard disks, either netboot or diskette boot your
systems with *bsd or linux. Load up the Process Tree and start cracking away
their geographic oil-drill site packets. Let your computer annililate 100,000
year fractal mapping problems. Render for Pixar-nnabe companies. Collect your
From my best estimation, you should have between 30 and 40 computers which
yields between $600 and $800 per month, with an average of -$1000. Reinvest all
your earnings into more computers, sodium lamps, alarm systems, guns, and
buckets of fuck.