Build Date: Sun Aug 9 22:50:10 2026 UTC
I really hate having to explain my jokes.
-- Johnnie Royale
Get in Touch with Your Anger
2000-11-17 15:20:48
Who is America’s greatest writer? Is it Hunter Thompson? Mark Twain? How about Ed Anger?
If you’ve never heard of Mr. Anger, don’t feel bad. Most people haven’t. Ed Anger’s writing is found exclusively within the pages of the greatest tabloid of all time, The Weekly World News. His column, “My America” chronicles the life and opinions of the last red-blooded, hard drinking, meat-eating real American.
He’s a veteran of The Korean war with a metal plate in his head, a portrait of John Wayne in the den, an American flag flying from it’s pole in the front yard, and a wife in the kitchen - where she belongs. He rallies against the communist scum and weak willed, flag burning nancy-boys who want to undermine God’s favorite country, the U S of A, and all that it stands for. He doesn’t take lip from anyone. Here is a short excerpt from one of his many hundreds of thousands of rants…
I'm madder than a rooster in an alarm clock factory over the way my stupid neighbor treats his kids.
The nitwit has decided he doesn't want the little brats to watch TV, for Pete's sake! Now, I agree with him that some of the junk they try to pass off as entertainment these days is enough to make a grown man throw up.
But it's not the shows that my neighbor's whining about -- it's the commercials!
His attitude is totally un-American, if you ask me. Commercials are what makes our nation great.
Taken from Ed Anger’s column entitled ‘People Who Don’t Watch TV Commercials Are Pinko Commies!" courtesy, Weekly World News.
There are many long-time Anger readers who swear that because of the many years Ed has been writing, and the fact that there are no known photographs of Ed, that Ed isn’t real, that there have been many people over the years who have written under this pseudonym. I don’t believe this to be totally true. Instead, I believe he is the sum of a team of writers.
I take this point of view, because it really isn’t all that easy spewing boiling over-the-top reactionary writing for very long. I’ve tried following Ed’s writing formula. I could only keep it up for a handful of days, before pangs of guilt set in and all my friends were refusing to speak to me. I figure that in order to stave off these feelings of remorse that will eventually set in, a team of talented writers sit down every Monday, and pick a subject out of a hat. Whatever the subject, it’s assigned it to one writer. After a day or two, the person will begin to worry that somewhere in the world, someone may actually take the Ed Anger column seriously. At that point, another writer will jump in, picking up where the first has stopped. By the time deadline arrives, a brand-new Anger article has been produced.
In conclusion, I invite you to sit back, relax, put on a copy of John Wayne (the musical group from Texas, not the actor, but hey, if that floats your boat…) and enjoy the hard labor that goes into Ed’s column each week.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
