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How to Tell You're Not a Webzine
1999-07-24 11:01:55


Mr. Bad's List
 
OLE... yuck. "Hey Jed, this here Word document gots a VIDEO in it!"
-- Tjames Madison

 

Nobody agrees on a what a Webzine is, but Mr. Bad gives you the scoop on what a Webzine is not. Clip'n'save this handy chart!

You're not a Webzine if...:

  • ...you bought your domain name.
  • ...you are "pre-IPO."
  • ...you have the phrase "Please see our terms of use" on your home page.
  • ...you have the phrase "a divison of" on your home page.
  • ...you have the phrase "Investor Relations" on your home page.
  • ...you advertise.
  • ...you have a business plan.
  • ...you have a strategic alliance.
  • ...you have a revenue model.
  • ...you have a burn rate.
  • ...you have an exit strategy.
  • ...the thought of being bought by Microsoft makes you wet your pants with joy.
  • ...you have a marketing department.
  • ...you have a tech-support department.
  • ...you have a legal department.
  • ...you have a "casual Friday."
  • ...you would never even CONSIDER having a domain name that wasn't ".com."
  • ...you have anyone on your staff who can't do HTML.
  • ...you have anyone on your staff who doesn't know what CGI means.
  • ...you HAVE anyone on your staff, period.
  • ...you have a feature called "My Gargargar.com."
  • ...you've ever called yourself a "portal."
  • ...you've ever called yourself an "e-commerce site."
  • ...you've ever called yourself a "channel."
  • ...you've ever called yourself e-anything.
  • ...your site name has the word "e-anything" in it.
  • ...your site name has the word "electric" in it.
  • ...your site name has the word "online" in it.
  • ...your site name has the word "auction" in it.
  • ...you've made a profit that you haven't spent on beer.
  • ...you care about making a profit.
  • ...you've ever told tech geeks to do something that you couldn't do perfectly well yourself.
  • ...you've ever told tech geeks to do something that you didn't quite understand.
  • ...you have tech geeks to boss around.
  • ...you think "tech geek" is an insult.
  • ...you wish you had more celebrity names writing for you.
  • ...you have a television show.
  • ...you wish you had television show.
  • ...you have a book deal.
  • ...you wish you had a book deal.
  • ...the only text on your site is "navitorial."
  • ...the only text on your site is written by users or copied from Usenet.
  • ...the first person singular is never used on your site.
  • ...you have your own search engine.
  • ...you're concerned about trying to be more mainstream.
  • ...you're concerned about trying to be more hip.
  • ...you assure people that the Wild West days of the Internet are over.
  • ...you worry that that's not true.
  • ...you worry about market share.
  • ...you worry about competitive advantage.
  • ...you've ever made a PowerPoint presentation about your site.
  • ...you think the Hamster Dance is hilarious and why don't we have stuff like that on OUR site, dammit? Put somebody on that immediately.
  • ...you've considered moving your site to Windows NT.
  • ...you optimize for WebTV.
  • ...you ever stole content from someone SMALLER than you, figuring they could never afford to bust you.
  • ...you've ever signed a contract that wasn't with your ISP.
  • ...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to stop readers from cutting-and-pasting your content.
  • ...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to stop readers from printing your pages.
  • ...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to stop readers from saving your image files.
  • ...you've ever wondered if it would be possible to get your readers' email addresses without them knowing.
  • ...you would be FURIOUS (and maybe consider legal action) if some of your writing ended up in a widely-dispersed email without attribution or copyright notice.
  • ...you see Yahoo! billboards and think, "I wish I'd thought of that."
  • ...you worry about hackers.
  • ...you worry that press about hackers is bad for The Industry.
  • ...you think that content restriction legislation would be good for The Industry.
  • ...you hate Matt Drudge because he gives The Industry a bad name (it's OK to hate him for other reasons).
  • ...you ever use the term "The Industry."
  • ...you LOVED "Net.Gain."
  • ...you read "Upside."
  • ...you read "Red Herring."
  • ...you've been IN "Red Herring."
  • ...you've ever fired anybody.
  • ...you never work on your site at home.
  • ...you don't have a computer at home.
  • ...you would close your site if you knew for certain that it would never make you any money.
  • ...you've ever issued a press release.
  • ...e-mail to "webmaster@yoursite.com" (or "editor@yoursite.com") doesn't go directly to your inbox.
  • ...you print out your e-mail before you read it.
  • ...your administrative assistant prints out your e-mail before you read it.
  • ...you HAVE an administrative assistant, period.
  • ...you've ever changed content because it might offend someone (exception: cease-and-desist orders).
  • ...you've ever changed content to please an advertiser.
  • ...you've ever changed content because it didn't work in the AOL browser.
  • ...you've ever changed content to please an investor.
  • ...you HAVE an investor.
  • ...you worry if your office space is in the wrong part of town.
  • ...you have an office space with cubicles.
  • ...you have an office space with a view.
  • ...you have an office space with glass-walled conference rooms with a cutesy naming scheme.
  • ...you HAVE an office space, period.
  • ...you wouldn't put in a link to a friend's site because "Hey, there's no free lunch."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

gable@pigdog.org


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