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Man, it's that time of year again. MAN, it's THAT time of year again. Is it ever. Gar!

• Eggnog lattes
• Solstice parties with naked, morally lax Wiccan hippy chicks
• The crushing black clouds of seasonal affective disorder
• Santarchy
• Christmas bonus
• Seeing your smug friends with cute babies spend their entire Christmas bonus at Toys 'R' Us
• Festive red-, white- and green-colored lines of cocaine
• Slews of coolio Xmas-themed raves
• Spending YOUR entire Christmas bonus at Toys 'R' Us on crap for your smug friends' cute babies
• Crappy weather means I have no guilt staying inside all day playing Zangband
• Traditional holiday double issue of "Hustler"
• Keeping warm and toasty burning all MP3s
• Trenchcoats
• End-of-year inventory selloffs at 16th and Mission
• Obligatory cutesy seasonal newspaper stories about e.g. how much the gifts in the 12 Days of Christmas would cost in today's dollars remind mainstream reporters what ridiculous whores for the Man they are
• Around Christmastime, everyone works as little as I do
• Drowning the crushing black clouds of S.A.D. in many favorite holiday shom-pan-yah drinks
• Tofu turkey
• Release of lots of ultra-violent big-budget Hollywood flicks to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace; Jake Busey possibly involved
• Getting stinkers drunk with boss at Xmas party, faxing photocopies of ass to Sydney office
• Holiday novelty songs
• Humiliatingly low sales figures by loser companies like etoys.com
• Another exciting round of separation-of-church-and-state anti-creche lawsuits
• Woolly hats
• Kristi Yamaguchi Skating Rink at the Embarcadero
• Sierra Nevada Christmas Ale
• USF students go home; lots of street parking around my house
• The crushing black clouds of shom-pan-yah skullcrack hangover the day after drowning the crushing black clouds of S.A.D. in many favorite holiday shom-pan-yah drinks
• Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest
• Mitchell Brothers Theater seems extra-super degenerate and pathetic this time of year
• Kinky dreidel-as-butt-plug games

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