So, here we are, several months into the year 2000, which by all accounts is
smack dab in the Future. And yet the whole thing sucks major ass! By all the
gods, I was PROMISED a future that would be wondrous to behold, and what do I
get? This BOGUS Future. It's basically a warmed-over version of the 1950s with
sleek European lines and Pentium III processors thrown in.
My guess is that sometime in the early 60s, some time-space warp happend and we
got off course. WE, gentle reader, ended up in the Alternative Future that
features Larry King and Orbitz, while everyone else gets the cool Future that
is our birthright! Damn damn damn!
So, consider this week's Mr. Bad's List as a catalog of demands or a
documentation of my grievances. Or, even better, as a shopping list. I want
someone to invent a machine and go over to the cool, shiny Alternative Future
and GET MY STUFF and bring it back here. Gar gar gar, I'm real mad!
Personal jet pack
Space colonies
Robot armies
Talking
shower
Truth serum
Nuclear helicopter in every garage
Gene-spliced dog-horse ("dorse") pets
Big-shouldered silver jump suits
Telepathy
Cure for cancer, common cold
Intelligent ape slaves
Moon vacations
Jovian tobacco plantations
Underwater cities
Breakfast in a pill
Widespread Esperanto usage
Laser guns (pistol and
rifle)
Brain transfer
Zero-gravity Sexatoriums
Tricorders
Cool glowing designer drugs
Hologram TV
Time machine
Hovercars
Day-glo offworld liqueurs (in cool space bottles)
Anti-gravity
forklift devices
Soothing propaganda broadcasts from One World Leader
