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The future sucks ass. Mr. Bad explains why.

So, here we are, several months into the year 2000, which by all accounts is smack dab in the Future. And yet the whole thing sucks major ass! By all the gods, I was PROMISED a future that would be wondrous to behold, and what do I get? This BOGUS Future. It's basically a warmed-over version of the 1950s with sleek European lines and Pentium III processors thrown in.

My guess is that sometime in the early 60s, some time-space warp happend and we got off course. WE, gentle reader, ended up in the Alternative Future that features Larry King and Orbitz, while everyone else gets the cool Future that is our birthright! Damn damn damn!

So, consider this week's Mr. Bad's List as a catalog of demands or a documentation of my grievances. Or, even better, as a shopping list. I want someone to invent a machine and go over to the cool, shiny Alternative Future and GET MY STUFF and bring it back here. Gar gar gar, I'm real mad!

• Personal jet pack
• Space colonies
• Robot armies
• Talking shower
• Truth serum
• Nuclear helicopter in every garage
• Gene-spliced dog-horse ("dorse") pets
• Big-shouldered silver jump suits
• Telepathy
• Cure for cancer, common cold
• Intelligent ape slaves
• Moon vacations
• Jovian tobacco plantations
• Underwater cities
• Breakfast in a pill
• Widespread Esperanto usage
• Laser guns (pistol and rifle)
• Brain transfer
• Zero-gravity Sexatoriums
• Tricorders
• Cool glowing designer drugs
• Hologram TV
• Time machine
• Hovercars
• Day-glo offworld liqueurs (in cool space bottles)
• Anti-gravity forklift devices
• Soothing propaganda broadcasts from One World Leader
• Telescreen
• Laser-armed dolphin buddies
• Slutty alien chicks in space hotpants

guvnor@pigdog.org