Build Date: Sat Feb 24 08:10:18 2024 UTC

I hate the French! Give back our weirdo hillbilly television, you goddamn Frogs!
-- Tjames Madison

Go Bowling on Superbowl Sunday

by Mr. Bad

2000-01-30 13:47:21

Mr. Bad gives you a TON of things to do on Superbowl Sunday! Screw the TV, let's go BOWLING.

Well, it's Superbowl Sunday here in the good ol' U. S. of A., and if you're anything like me, you could probably not give a Norway rat's bunghole about the whole thing. If so, go take advantage of the fact that EVERYBODY is bundled up in their disturbing little Nacho-consuming TV warrens and go out and have some FUN.

Superbowl Sunday is the day with the SHORTEST LINES for anything in the entire world. It's what life would be like if they dropped the NEUTRON BOMB and all those annoying Soylent Green people that are all getting in your way all the time were decimated. If that concept just leaves you dazzled, here's a list of brilliant things to do in this unpopulated wonderland, instead of watching a TV that you don't care about, anyways:

  • Go to the museum! No annoying heads to get in between you and the paintings, or dippy sniveling dweebs talking all the time. Just you and the geriatric security guards!
  • Disneyland. d00d. Ride Space Mountain TWO HUNDRED TIMES in a single day!
  • See an opening-weekend movie, get the best seat in the house.
  • Go to that really fancy restaurant where you have to make reservations 8 weeks in advance. Walk in, be rude to the maitre-d', and take the best table in the house.
  • Go to that fancy restaurant that doesn't TAKE reservations, where you have to wait on the street for 4.5 hours to get a seat. Walk in, be rude to the hostess, and take the best table in the house.
  • Go to the O'Farrell Brothers. Every single stripper will be performing JUST FOR YOU! How can you beat that?
  • See a play. Give critical advice during the performance.
  • Go shopping for shoes. Personalized service! You can make those overworked retail suckers run around and get you HUNDREDS of boxes!
  • Go to North Beach. You can PARK, man!
  • Go to the gym. Try all those crazy machines that you never get to use. Make funny noises while you use them! Try to do the Stairmaster with your HANDS. Ride the rowing machine NAKED.
  • Go to a hip bar, spend all afternoon talking to the bartender.
  • Dance club! Practice your new moves! Make personal requests from the DJ! Be the best dancer there!
  • Go to an arcade, work Burgertime or the Dukes of Hazzard pinball machine to your heart's content.
  • Go bowling! They'll have shoes in your size, and you can keep playing until the cows come home. Drink lots of beers and shotput your ball across 9 lanes! Nobody will care!

Whatever you do, don't miss this opportunity. Go out and have some fun, eh? Screw the Superbowl!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

oarsman@pigdog.org

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