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New Study Warns Monkeys: Stop Listening to Orbital

by Tjames Madison

1999-06-15 13:09:36

A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and all-night raves.

The researchers found that squirrel monkeys who were given the briefly fashionable party drug Ecstasy for as little as four days suffered brain damage, including loss of long-term memory functions and damage to the neocortex, the part of the brain which is thought to control conscious thought.

Researchers, who interpreted the results after killing half the monkeys used in the test and "looking at their brains," also noted that the monkeys were "really, really horny."

A well-placed source informed Pigdog that the researchers were further assured of the conclusions when the monkeys stopped throwing their poop, as was their normal habit, and started forming it into strange, surrealist poop sculptures instead. Fortunately, researchers were able to kill the monkeys before they created any profound works of art.

So let that be a lesson to all you monkeys.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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