Build Date: Thu May 1 05:50:45 2025 UTC
I love America so much that I want to fuck it.
-- Miss Conduct
New Study Warns Monkeys: Stop Listening to Orbital
1999-06-15 13:09:36
A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and all-night raves.
The researchers found that squirrel monkeys who were given the briefly fashionable party drug Ecstasy for as little as four days suffered brain damage, including loss of long-term memory functions and damage to the neocortex, the part of the brain which is thought to control conscious thought.
Researchers, who interpreted the results after killing half the monkeys used in the test and "looking at their brains," also noted that the monkeys were "really, really horny."
A well-placed source informed Pigdog that the researchers were further assured of the conclusions when the monkeys stopped throwing their poop, as was their normal habit, and started forming it into strange, surrealist poop sculptures instead. Fortunately, researchers were able to kill the monkeys before they created any profound works of art.
So let that be a lesson to all you monkeys.
T O P S T O R I E S
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
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Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
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Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
