Build Date: Tue Jun 2 02:00:08 2026 UTC
If you don't
have political opinions, I will personally break down your door and
curbstomp you.
-- Miles Standish
New Study Warns Monkeys: Stop Listening to Orbital
1999-06-15 13:09:36
A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and all-night raves.
The researchers found that squirrel monkeys who were given the briefly fashionable party drug Ecstasy for as little as four days suffered brain damage, including loss of long-term memory functions and damage to the neocortex, the part of the brain which is thought to control conscious thought.
Researchers, who interpreted the results after killing half the monkeys used in the test and "looking at their brains," also noted that the monkeys were "really, really horny."
A well-placed source informed Pigdog that the researchers were further assured of the conclusions when the monkeys stopped throwing their poop, as was their normal habit, and started forming it into strange, surrealist poop sculptures instead. Fortunately, researchers were able to kill the monkeys before they created any profound works of art.
So let that be a lesson to all you monkeys.
T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
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California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
On a hot spring night after dinner and before the night's serious drinking begins, a Romulan Highball really hits the spot. (More...)
