A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University
spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and
The researchers found that squirrel monkeys who were given the briefly
fashionable party drug Ecstasy for as little as four days suffered brain damage,
including loss of long-term memory functions and damage to the neocortex, the
part of the brain which is thought to control conscious thought.
Researchers, who interpreted the results after killing half the monkeys used in
the test and "looking at their brains," also noted that the monkeys were
"really, really horny."
A well-placed source informed Pigdog that the researchers were further assured
of the conclusions when the monkeys stopped throwing their poop, as was their
normal habit, and started forming it into strange, surrealist poop sculptures
instead. Fortunately, researchers were able to kill the monkeys before they
created any profound works of art.