Build Date: Wed May 21 10:20:15 2025 UTC
I am Leonard Nimoy
-- Spock
Intel Uses Sock Mandrill as Shill to Sell Stupid New Chip
1999-03-01 21:03:00
In other non-news today, Intel has made a desperate lunge at the young and hip in order to sell more of their SHITTY NEW CHIPS. Their ploy? A new animated television commercial featuring a red-assed mandrill made out of socks. HA! Like _that's_ gonna work.
Intel hasn't made a chip worth a wet fart since the 80186. The new Pentium III is a fucking DISGRACE and the entire product team should be SHIT-SLAPPED. Their quality has gotten SO BAD that even though they once had a HAMMERLOCK on the PC CPU market, crushing its windpipe like the BIG BAD BOSSMAN or something, they've now lost enough market share that they're #2 in the most popular market segment (under-$1000 desktops) . SERIOUSLY! Not joking here for a second! Dead serious! I read it in the Chron. AMD is kicking their ass.
On top of that, Intel's being dragged into court and slapped around like rum-drinking whores by the Justice Dept for being BIG ASSHOLES in one regard or another. I think they've already got a HUNDRED ZILLION DOLLAR FINE just for being CAPITAL-F FUCKHEADS. The Justice Dept can just do that because they're the government.
Anyways, given this state of affairs, it's totally understandable that Intel would turn to DESPERATE MEASURES to save their FLOUNDERING and STUPID company. Apparently they're gonna try to save themselves by jumping on the MANDRILL BANDWAGON. In their newest commercial they show a MANDRILL made out of SOCKS with a BIG RED ASS and FACE using a Pentium III processor to throw VIRTUAL POO at his little toy friends over the Internet. The SockMandrill also jumps up and down screams at them using Intel's patented Indeo (TM) video technology that nobody gives a shit about.
It's a sick, sad commercial. Totally exploitative -- you won't believe how many times they show the MANDRILL'S BIG RED BUTT. Sure, mandrills are all the rage now, but for God's sake, this company needs a little PRIDE. It's a sad spectacle and you can go look at it if you want but don't go showing it to kids and then blame me.
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