Build Date: Tue Nov 10 03:10:57 2026 UTC
The only way to stop having corrupt politicians is to stop voting for them.
-- Johnnie Royale
Intel Uses Sock Mandrill as Shill to Sell Stupid New Chip
1999-03-01 21:03:00
In other non-news today, Intel has made a desperate lunge at the young and hip in order to sell more of their SHITTY NEW CHIPS. Their ploy? A new animated television commercial featuring a red-assed mandrill made out of socks. HA! Like _that's_ gonna work.
Intel hasn't made a chip worth a wet fart since the 80186. The new Pentium III is a fucking DISGRACE and the entire product team should be SHIT-SLAPPED. Their quality has gotten SO BAD that even though they once had a HAMMERLOCK on the PC CPU market, crushing its windpipe like the BIG BAD BOSSMAN or something, they've now lost enough market share that they're #2 in the most popular market segment (under-$1000 desktops) . SERIOUSLY! Not joking here for a second! Dead serious! I read it in the Chron. AMD is kicking their ass.
On top of that, Intel's being dragged into court and slapped around like rum-drinking whores by the Justice Dept for being BIG ASSHOLES in one regard or another. I think they've already got a HUNDRED ZILLION DOLLAR FINE just for being CAPITAL-F FUCKHEADS. The Justice Dept can just do that because they're the government.
Anyways, given this state of affairs, it's totally understandable that Intel would turn to DESPERATE MEASURES to save their FLOUNDERING and STUPID company. Apparently they're gonna try to save themselves by jumping on the MANDRILL BANDWAGON. In their newest commercial they show a MANDRILL made out of SOCKS with a BIG RED ASS and FACE using a Pentium III processor to throw VIRTUAL POO at his little toy friends over the Internet. The SockMandrill also jumps up and down screams at them using Intel's patented Indeo (TM) video technology that nobody gives a shit about.
It's a sick, sad commercial. Totally exploitative -- you won't believe how many times they show the MANDRILL'S BIG RED BUTT. Sure, mandrills are all the rage now, but for God's sake, this company needs a little PRIDE. It's a sad spectacle and you can go look at it if you want but don't go showing it to kids and then blame me.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
Ratsnatcher gets HOT HOT HOT in this classic road tale that looks at the steamy underworld of Bay Area Linux advocacy. Loosen your collar for this one! (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
