Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

by Baron Earl

2003-07-13 22:53:08

Liberty

After a couple of weeks of tense negotiations between the Executive Branch of the United States Government, the CIA, the NSA, the SRO, the FBI, and multiple intelligence services of the DOD, it was revealed this weekend that the CIA would serve as the official scapegoat for the various intelligence "goofs" passed off as "facts" leading up to the invasion of Iraq.

Commenting on the decision to blame the CIA, a person on the phone claiming to be CIA Director George Tenet told Pigdog Journal that "People are comfortable with the idea of the CIA screwing things up. They're used to this idea. If we'd decided to blame the NRO, why, we would have had to spend a week just explaining what their initials stood for. With the CIA, that's not a problem. We're a household name. A known brand."

When asked whether President Bush and Vice President Cheney might have simply taken CIA reports that were highly speculative in nature, and simply attempted to pass them off as 100% Guaranteed True in the now infamous speech to the United Nations, the person that I'm 100% sure was George Tenet replied "No, that was Colin [Powell]'s job. There was no way we were going to give that job to Dubya. Bush might have let that smirk of his creep out of the side of his mouth while reading that report, and that would have given the whole game away. Powell can tell you part of the truth, make it sound like the whole truth, and never even blink. When we get together Saturday night for poker games in the Oval office, Powell cleans house. Bush will keep raising, hoping for an inside straight, and Powell just takes him to the cleaners."

"But then Bush just had to go telling that story about the uranium and the processing equipment, almost completely blowing the whole "plausible deniability" angle we like to use to keep the President Blame Free™. Once it got out that the story was a complete fabrication, we needed to find a scapegoat and fast. I'm downright proud to say that the CIA can serve the President in that capacity."

Tenet continued, "Sometimes you just have to tell comepletely outrageous lies to the public. That's the only way to get them to fall into line behind you. It's the only way you can really get your point across. You just have to get up, act as sincere as you possibly can, and just tell them a total whopper. Once you can fake sincerity, there is nothing holding you back."

When asked if he'd been drinking Tenent belched "OF COURSE I'VE BEEN DRINKING. If you had to take the blame every time that poker-losing SOB screwed up, YOU'D BE DRINKING TOO."

After that, all that could be heard on the line was the sound of faint sobbing. Then he hung up the phone and ended the interview.

Check it out yourself

oarsman@pigdog.org