If I had Andrew Jackson in my reach right now, I'd grab him by the throat and squeeze
until his cocksucking mouth turned blue and cold. I'd take an icepick to those fishy
little eyes. I'd tear out that oh-so-windblown bouffant hair of his and rub salted fire
ants into his bleeding skull. And why would I do these things? Because I'm a patriot.
Andrew Jackson was a fuckwad of the first order. Andrew Jackson sodomized Lady Liberty
and passed her on to his friends. Andrew Jackson was not just a bad president, he was an
enemy to the American people and a traitor to the Constitution.
See, in 1830, gold was discovered on Indian lands and so the Indian Removal Act was
promptly established. The Cherokee, however, operating under the delusion that our nation
has a justice system, challenged the government in American courts. It was finally
decided by the Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice John Marshall, that the U.S. government
was obliged to honor the treaties it had made with the Cherokee and other Indian nations.
Yay! Right triumphs over might! The American star shines nobly forth, spilling the
light of freedom over all her children, regardless of race or creed!
But hold! Enter that fucker Andrew Jackson, stage left! "John Marshall has made his
decision. Let him enforce it now if he can," Jackson spat. And the babyhumping bastardo
sent out the militia to round up the Cherokee and march them eight hundred miles, over the
Trail of Tears. Twelve thousand people were dispossessed and four thousand died.
Andrew Jackson, you oozing dicksore! Did you really believe that the American people,
those brave, freethinking lovers of justice, would permit their elected President to
flagrate the very fundaments of their own government? Did you truly think that history
would not hold you accountable? Did you assume that hypocrisy would wink at your treason,
that greed would condone your assault against our most cherished principles? What, did
you think we'd call you a hero, and put you on our money or something, as if to say "Yes,
our whole country and every value we claim to espouse is worth no more than this
hell-spawned sociopath!" Goddamn you for being right! And god damn us too!
Call me brainwashed or naive, but I believe that the American experiment is a noble and
astonishing thing; I believe that justice can successfully be defended and that freedom
can be preserved. I am a patriot. And this is why I am seized with rage every time I see
Andrew Jackson's smug, enormous head leering at me from my wallet, diddling himself under
his stupid blanket, while the slaughter of thousands of American families goes unmourned
and unavenged. For this atrocity, and for the crime perpetuated upon our Constitution,
and for the festering canker of murderous greed that eats at the heart of our body
politic, I blame that fucker, Andrew Jackson.
