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I Hate That Fucker Andrew Jackson
2001-09-08 01:40:52


Liberty
 
A doctor friend told me that in twenty years he never saw a vegetarian patient with disease, only trauma (gunshot wounds, for example).
-- Trevor "Fuckhead" Johnson

 

If I had Andrew Jackson in my reach right now, I'd grab him by the throat and squeeze until his cocksucking mouth turned blue and cold. I'd take an icepick to those fishy little eyes. I'd tear out that oh-so-windblown bouffant hair of his and rub salted fire ants into his bleeding skull. And why would I do these things? Because I'm a patriot.

Andrew Jackson was a fuckwad of the first order. Andrew Jackson sodomized Lady Liberty and passed her on to his friends. Andrew Jackson was not just a bad president, he was an enemy to the American people and a traitor to the Constitution.

See, in 1830, gold was discovered on Indian lands and so the Indian Removal Act was promptly established. The Cherokee, however, operating under the delusion that our nation has a justice system, challenged the government in American courts. It was finally decided by the Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice John Marshall, that the U.S. government was obliged to honor the treaties it had made with the Cherokee and other Indian nations. Yay! Right triumphs over might! The American star shines nobly forth, spilling the light of freedom over all her children, regardless of race or creed!

But hold! Enter that fucker Andrew Jackson, stage left! "John Marshall has made his decision. Let him enforce it now if he can," Jackson spat. And the babyhumping bastardo sent out the militia to round up the Cherokee and march them eight hundred miles, over the Trail of Tears. Twelve thousand people were dispossessed and four thousand died.

Andrew Jackson, you oozing dicksore! Did you really believe that the American people, those brave, freethinking lovers of justice, would permit their elected President to flagrate the very fundaments of their own government? Did you truly think that history would not hold you accountable? Did you assume that hypocrisy would wink at your treason, that greed would condone your assault against our most cherished principles? What, did you think we'd call you a hero, and put you on our money or something, as if to say "Yes, our whole country and every value we claim to espouse is worth no more than this hell-spawned sociopath!" Goddamn you for being right! And god damn us too!

Call me brainwashed or naive, but I believe that the American experiment is a noble and astonishing thing; I believe that justice can successfully be defended and that freedom can be preserved. I am a patriot. And this is why I am seized with rage every time I see Andrew Jackson's smug, enormous head leering at me from my wallet, diddling himself under his stupid blanket, while the slaughter of thousands of American families goes unmourned and unavenged. For this atrocity, and for the crime perpetuated upon our Constitution, and for the festering canker of murderous greed that eats at the heart of our body politic, I blame that fucker, Andrew Jackson.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

tablesalt@pigdog.org


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