Gah, this is the MOST HORRIBLE idea I've ever HEARD of! As
a professional journalist, I review thousands of the retarded
and ass-picking ideas that are floated by shysters, thieves, and sociopaths
who are trying to milk the Internet gold rush for a bit of
filthy cash. Yet NONE of these ideas STINKS as bad as
DIGISCENTS.COM. And YES, you can quote me on that.
So the deal with DIGISCENTS is that they want to do DIGITAL SMELL technology.
In other words, they'll digitize smells on one side of the Internet, presumably
using some horrible demon technology that sucks the essence out of things and
stores it on magnet tape. BUT THEN, they would send it down the Internet to
some kind of DEBIGULATOR or something to make ODORS come out of your computer.
First off, I can't figger out HOW the hell this thing is supposed to work. I
grok how the smell will be digitized -- you just have s00per-sekrit
high-technology sensors and stuff. There's been research on this that I've read
about.
But WHERE'S the smell gonna come out of? Your sound card? Is the digital
technology going to set fire to various capacitors and resistors on your
motherboard to simulate the proper smell? Or will you need a special piece of
hardware hooked up to your USB PORT?! How does a SMELL CARD work?
The second bad problem with this is that NOBODY NEEDS A SMELLULATOR DIGITAL
SMELL TECHNOLOGY COMPONENT. This is not a big gaping hole in the middle of
humanity's existence, folks. Sure, the Web page listed below seems to think
that there's a good market in COMPUTER GAMES and for ONLINE ADVERTISEMENTS, but
I think that's pretty far-fetched, don't you? Computer games need Smell-o-Vision
as much as they need Force Feedback technology. In other words, not at all.
And When I look at an ONLINE ADVERTISEMENT for some delicious CORN MUFFINS with
animated steam and butter melting on them, I can ALMOST SMELL them, and that's
PERFECTLY SUFFICIENT. Almost smelling them is just fine. No need for
REALLY smelling them. Hey, and -fuck- online ads, anyways, now that I think
about it.
But the BIGGEST problem with this technology -- what makes it an offense
against decency -- is that there IS an ILLEGITIMATE use for this horrible
technology. You guessed it, folks: DIGITAL SMELL PORN. Porno is the leading
market for EVERY technology, and digital aromas is going to be NO EXCEPTION.
Can you imagine what kind of disgusting Crisco smells are gonna come out of
your computer smell-o-card when you hit www.fistmyass.com? What about for a big
slurpy BAD-BREATH MENAGE A TROIS or even the heady SEMEN-DRENCHED SMELL of an
Annabelle Chong 250-person gang-bang fuckfest? Mark my words: the ENTIRE
INTERNET is going to REEK of STRAWBERRY DOUCHES and TIT SWEAT!
The worst part is that Porn Lords have absolutely no sense of decency
whatsoever (case in point: gettingit.com). So they'll probably use
this technology in all kinds of EXPLOITATIVE and UNWHOLESOME ways. I mean, what
are you going to DO when you're looking at PORNO in your CUBICLE, and your boss
comes in, and you try to close the window, and this STENCH POPUP appears and
keeps SPRAYING you with TEENAGE PANTY PERFUME? With just normal porno popups,
you can at least put your AOL chat window over top of it, but what can you do
when your workplace environment STINKS like the MOP BUCKET at a 25-cent ADULT
VIDEO ARCADE?
Anyways, I got nothing more to say. Go check out DigiScents.com, you porndog.
