Build Date: Sat Jul 26 14:12:46 2025 UTC
What do you know about girls anyway, Gene? Ones with their heads still attached?
-- H. R. Pufenstuf
Disgusting Digital Stench Technology
2000-03-07 20:06:57
Gah, this is the MOST HORRIBLE idea I've ever HEARD of! As a professional journalist, I review thousands of the retarded and ass-picking ideas that are floated by shysters, thieves, and sociopaths who are trying to milk the Internet gold rush for a bit of filthy cash. Yet NONE of these ideas STINKS as bad as DIGISCENTS.COM. And YES, you can quote me on that.
So the deal with DIGISCENTS is that they want to do DIGITAL SMELL technology. In other words, they'll digitize smells on one side of the Internet, presumably using some horrible demon technology that sucks the essence out of things and stores it on magnet tape. BUT THEN, they would send it down the Internet to some kind of DEBIGULATOR or something to make ODORS come out of your computer.
First off, I can't figger out HOW the hell this thing is supposed to work. I grok how the smell will be digitized -- you just have s00per-sekrit high-technology sensors and stuff. There's been research on this that I've read about.
But WHERE'S the smell gonna come out of? Your sound card? Is the digital technology going to set fire to various capacitors and resistors on your motherboard to simulate the proper smell? Or will you need a special piece of hardware hooked up to your USB PORT?! How does a SMELL CARD work?
The second bad problem with this is that NOBODY NEEDS A SMELLULATOR DIGITAL SMELL TECHNOLOGY COMPONENT. This is not a big gaping hole in the middle of humanity's existence, folks. Sure, the Web page listed below seems to think that there's a good market in COMPUTER GAMES and for ONLINE ADVERTISEMENTS, but I think that's pretty far-fetched, don't you? Computer games need Smell-o-Vision as much as they need Force Feedback technology. In other words, not at all.
And When I look at an ONLINE ADVERTISEMENT for some delicious CORN MUFFINS with animated steam and butter melting on them, I can ALMOST SMELL them, and that's PERFECTLY SUFFICIENT. Almost smelling them is just fine. No need for REALLY smelling them. Hey, and -fuck- online ads, anyways, now that I think about it.
But the BIGGEST problem with this technology -- what makes it an offense against decency -- is that there IS an ILLEGITIMATE use for this horrible technology. You guessed it, folks: DIGITAL SMELL PORN. Porno is the leading market for EVERY technology, and digital aromas is going to be NO EXCEPTION. Can you imagine what kind of disgusting Crisco smells are gonna come out of your computer smell-o-card when you hit www.fistmyass.com? What about for a big slurpy BAD-BREATH MENAGE A TROIS or even the heady SEMEN-DRENCHED SMELL of an Annabelle Chong 250-person gang-bang fuckfest? Mark my words: the ENTIRE INTERNET is going to REEK of STRAWBERRY DOUCHES and TIT SWEAT!
The worst part is that Porn Lords have absolutely no sense of decency whatsoever (case in point: gettingit.com). So they'll probably use this technology in all kinds of EXPLOITATIVE and UNWHOLESOME ways. I mean, what are you going to DO when you're looking at PORNO in your CUBICLE, and your boss comes in, and you try to close the window, and this STENCH POPUP appears and keeps SPRAYING you with TEENAGE PANTY PERFUME? With just normal porno popups, you can at least put your AOL chat window over top of it, but what can you do when your workplace environment STINKS like the MOP BUCKET at a 25-cent ADULT VIDEO ARCADE?
Anyways, I got nothing more to say. Go check out DigiScents.com, you porndog.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
Mr. Bad, Tjames Madison, and various other Pigdoggers of all stripe take on the makers of JERKCITY in a PIGDOG INTERVIEW DEATHMATCH. (More...)
Pigdog Journal's crack interview team gangs up on avant-garde Dutch musician SOLEX; bad craziness ensues. Yet another fabulous PIGDOG INTERVIEW. For REAL. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)