Do you want some pie, boy? - Pigdog Journal

     
 

Charlton Heston is Soylent Green
2008-04-08 12:57:09


Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye!
 
I fucking hate sunrises.
-- Negative Nancy

 

Charlton Heston, inadvertent star of Bowling for Columbine, died on April 5, 2008 at the age of 84. Unconfirmed reports indicate that he shot his eye out and a BB gun was pried from his "cold, dead hands."

Interestingly enough, Heston was not a conservatard until the Alzheimer's disease kicked in. In the 1960s, he was a supporter of Martin Luther King and the Kennedys, even calling for gun control after Robert Kennedy's assassination. He did later call that a "mistake." It may be reasonable to assume this was a result of his disease rather than a true conversion of belief.

Charlton Heston was known for his many gripping performances, such as the gas station attendant in Wayne's World 2, the mustache guy in Tombstone, and Conan the Governator's boss in True Lies. He also frenched a chimpanzee in Planet of the Apes, yet inexplicably failed to tap the hot mute girl's ass, which probably means something. He then blew up the Earth in Planet of the Apes 2, perhaps thinking he would save us from the three additional sequels and the abysmal TV series, but to no avail.

Funeral services will not be held. Heston pissed off his potential officiants by stating, "Clergymen tend to be unreliable and pompous figures. Seldom Jewish rabbis, less often Catholic priests, but Protestant ministers tend to be... not really very admirable. Not necessarily evil, but silly. And wrong, of course."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

oarsman@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G

Escape to Spock Mountain!
by Baron Earl

Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
by El Snatcher & Ms. BunnyPenny

GNUisance
by El Snatcher, Mr. Bad

Absinthia: The Pigdog Interview
by El Snatcher, Mr. Bad

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

05-03

Baron Earl

When will the abuse of airline passengers stop?

05-03

El Destino

Hillbilly miner turned coder wants to make Kentucky into "Silicon Holler"

03-31

El Destino

86-year-old William Shatner cast in a new romantic comedy: 'Senior Moment'

03-19

El Destino

New ransomware taunts its victims with ASCII art of Spock and Kirk

01-26

Flesh

Alex Jones is Big, Fat, And Drunk in Public.

08-01

El Destino

Amazon's secret: incest in the Kindle ad?

08-01

El Destino

Slut Walk! Sexy feminist protest, or invaders from Mars?

04-25

Daemon Agent

The Quest for the Best Cheap Beer in a Can

04-25

Eugene Leitl

Beverage science at its finest

04-16

El Destino

YouTube punishes copyright offenders with animated pirate cat

04-09

Baron Earl

Poll shows that almost half of Mississippi's Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal

04-07

Baron Earl

Commodore64 redux - now with Linux

04-06

El Destino

George Takei demonstrates why he should be playing Spider-Man

04-01

El Destino

High school students sacrifice chickens to improve their batting average

03-31

Baron Earl

Creating a wall-hangable computer from an Ikea shadow box frame

More Quickies...