Build Date: Fri May 8 01:40:10 2026 UTC
Disneyland is like an airport: a fascist subdomain of the general ecosphere.
-- Mr. Bad
Charlton Heston is Soylent Green
2008-04-08 12:57:09
Charlton Heston, inadvertent star of Bowling for Columbine, died on April 5, 2008 at the age of 84. Unconfirmed reports indicate that he shot his eye out and a BB gun was pried from his "cold, dead hands."
Interestingly enough, Heston was not a conservatard until the Alzheimer's disease kicked in. In the 1960s, he was a supporter of Martin Luther King and the Kennedys, even calling for gun control after Robert Kennedy's assassination. He did later call that a "mistake." It may be reasonable to assume this was a result of his disease rather than a true conversion of belief.
Charlton Heston was known for his many gripping performances, such as the gas station attendant in Wayne's World 2, the mustache guy in Tombstone, and Conan the Governator's boss in True Lies. He also frenched a chimpanzee in Planet of the Apes, yet inexplicably failed to tap the hot mute girl's ass, which probably means something. He then blew up the Earth in Planet of the Apes 2, perhaps thinking he would save us from the three additional sequels and the abysmal TV series, but to no avail.
Funeral services will not be held. Heston pissed off his potential officiants by stating, "Clergymen tend to be unreliable and pompous figures. Seldom Jewish rabbis, less often Catholic priests, but Protestant ministers tend to be... not really very admirable. Not necessarily evil, but silly. And wrong, of course."
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
Mr. Bad, Tjames Madison, and various other Pigdoggers of all stripe take on the makers of JERKCITY in a PIGDOG INTERVIEW DEATHMATCH. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
It was New Year's Eve and I wanted a signature drink I could hand to my guests. Something that they would accept with no fuss, drink quickly, and then want another. A drink simple enough that I could explain the recipe quickly -- thereby annointing each new guest as a bartender capable of making the drink -- and freeing me to enjoy myself. So I created The MAN-tini... (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
