I've always said that if you scratch the surface of a rabid
vegan, you'll be certain to find a religious nutcase
micrometers below the surface. Now, thanks to the heavily
delusional freaks at PETA, we no longer need to do that.
Last Monday, I had to go into Providence, RI for what would prove to be the very
worst job interview I've ever had. So bad was it, that I nearly got up and
left halfway through. All the signs and stumbling blocks that the universe as
a whole had tossed before me said not to even bother going. But for the only
reason of an exciting ride, flying into the face of certain oblivion on the
bare back of sheer stupidity, I went. I knew what I was in for, but I also
had many years of prior experience that told me some reward would have to be
reaped, if I returned whole. And while it was a small reward, it was worth it.
The compensation was simply, a double billboard.
As you are driving along Route 93, going into Providence, watch the billboards.
You will eventually see a ridiculous white guy, badly dressed up to look like
Charleton Heston's interpretation of Moses in "The Ten Commandments" or an
anorexic Zeus. To his right, in big bold white on red letters was the phrase "I
SAID 'THOU SHALL NOT KILL'". Below that, a URL for Peta.
I couldn't believe my eyes. I turned around just to verify what I had seen.
Unfortunately, we had passed it. But on the other side, was yet another
surreal visage. This one featured a young (possibly six), blue-eyed, blond
haired girl, hands folded together looking mournfully upwards. Next to
her in even bigger letters was the phrase "DEAR GOD, PLEASE SAVE AMERICA."
I knew then that this was to be a strange and terrible journey indeed.
I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say that two kids, ages seven and
three, who've been sucking down caffeine since 9:15 and who are stuck in the
same car as you can quickly make you understand quite a lot. Mostly, they'll
make you understand the mindset of people like Susan Smith, when she
intentionally drove her car and two kids into the John D. Long Lake in SC,
October of 1994.
Which is where we come back to the Peta Billboard. Thanks to Peta, I decided
that consumption of a double cheeseburger made from the tender meat of a calf
that was force-fed, while it labored to stand in it's own festering waste
within a cramped crate, as the rancher evilly injected it with all sorts of
vile, unnatural chemicals, was a good idea. Yes, this would be far more
beneficial to all parties.
So tonight, I had a chance to look over their web site, and have come to the
following conclusions:
1. PETA has a great propaganda machine. So good that it would make Joseph
Goebbels hang his head in shame.
2. In all probability, most hardcore members of PETA harbor Bestiality desires.
They look forward to the day when they can live in a world where their fantasies
of fucking a goat is as legal and common as inter-alien relationships on Star
Trek, instead of icky coitus with members of their own species.
So as Easter approaches, make yourself a nice pot of Rabbit stew, and enjoy
this fine site from PETA!
