Build Date: Wed May 21 11:10:32 2025 UTC
I've learned not to argue with Science, especially when it has two fists up my ass.
-- Siduri
I Hate Everything in the Future Except the Parkway
2000-01-05 16:56:26
I live in the year 2000, and let me tell you, the future SUCKS! I'm hungover all the time, and there are no personal jetpacks as previously promised, and most of my favorite techno artistes haven't made a new music crystal since LONG AGO. The only thing that is worth a CYBERSHIT in the future is the PARKWAY.
The Parkway Theatre in Oakland, Californi-ay is the FUTURE of CINEMAR. It's really superfantastic, and if you live in the Bay Area (now known as Bayareatron 2000) and haven't been to the Parkway you suck dirt. Because it is the super-best!
The concept dealio with the Parkway is this: you know when you go to the movies STONED and all they have to eat are sickening months-old Jujubees and rock-hard Raisinettes? So instead you get a super-jumbo popcorn that tasted like packing peanuts covered with LARD and ROCK SALT? And then you eat so much that you BARF it all up in the disgusting movie bathroom?
Or howabout you sneak in a six-pack of beer in your backpack or purse? And how inconvenient that is, because you can only carry so much beer on your person at one time, and your moochy friends drink all your beers and then you have to watch "You've Got Mail" SOBER? Don't you hate that?
Well the great part about the Parkway is that A) they have delicioso PIZZA for all showings, with many yummy toppings of all flavors and textures, and B) they serve PITCHERS of BEER. That's RIGHT! Oh, wait, there's a couple of more great things: getting in the door is REALLY CHEAP, like FIVE DOLLARS or something, because HELL they figger they'll make it up in beer and pizza. And the other thing is that they have BIG LAZY COUCHES with COFFEE TABLES that you can put your feet up on and unbutton your pants because you ate so much beer and pizza.
It is EXACTLY like watching movies at HOME except instead of having a dinky little 32" Trinitron you have a 1200" silver screen. AND, instead of having to yell at your significant other to bring you more beer, which you may have noticed always makes them kinda cranky, they have OBSEQUIOUS TOADY-LIKE WAITPERSONS who will come bring you pitchers and pizza. I mean, BEAUJOLAIS!
I highly recommend going to the historic Parkway in the fabulous Lake Merritt district of Oakland, CA. Beaujolais to them, and beaujolais to you.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)