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I Hate Everything in the Future Except the Parkway
2000-01-05 16:56:26


Mmmm Mmmm Good
 
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
-- David Moulton

 

I live in the year 2000, and let me tell you, the future SUCKS! I'm hungover all the time, and there are no personal jetpacks as previously promised, and most of my favorite techno artistes haven't made a new music crystal since LONG AGO. The only thing that is worth a CYBERSHIT in the future is the PARKWAY.

The Parkway Theatre in Oakland, Californi-ay is the FUTURE of CINEMAR. It's really superfantastic, and if you live in the Bay Area (now known as Bayareatron 2000) and haven't been to the Parkway you suck dirt. Because it is the super-best!

The concept dealio with the Parkway is this: you know when you go to the movies STONED and all they have to eat are sickening months-old Jujubees and rock-hard Raisinettes? So instead you get a super-jumbo popcorn that tasted like packing peanuts covered with LARD and ROCK SALT? And then you eat so much that you BARF it all up in the disgusting movie bathroom?

Or howabout you sneak in a six-pack of beer in your backpack or purse? And how inconvenient that is, because you can only carry so much beer on your person at one time, and your moochy friends drink all your beers and then you have to watch "You've Got Mail" SOBER? Don't you hate that?

Well the great part about the Parkway is that A) they have delicioso PIZZA for all showings, with many yummy toppings of all flavors and textures, and B) they serve PITCHERS of BEER. That's RIGHT! Oh, wait, there's a couple of more great things: getting in the door is REALLY CHEAP, like FIVE DOLLARS or something, because HELL they figger they'll make it up in beer and pizza. And the other thing is that they have BIG LAZY COUCHES with COFFEE TABLES that you can put your feet up on and unbutton your pants because you ate so much beer and pizza.

It is EXACTLY like watching movies at HOME except instead of having a dinky little 32" Trinitron you have a 1200" silver screen. AND, instead of having to yell at your significant other to bring you more beer, which you may have noticed always makes them kinda cranky, they have OBSEQUIOUS TOADY-LIKE WAITPERSONS who will come bring you pitchers and pizza. I mean, BEAUJOLAIS!

I highly recommend going to the historic Parkway in the fabulous Lake Merritt district of Oakland, CA. Beaujolais to them, and beaujolais to you.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

xandria@pigdog.org


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