The Republican majority Florida legislature recently passed the Stop WOKE Act (HB 7), which prohibits teaching Critical Race Theory in schools, and the "Don't Say Gay" bill, which bans any materials or class instruction involving gender and sexual orientation. Since last July over 200 books have been banned. Chaz Stevens wants to add book to the banned list which is even more dangerous to young, impressionable minds, The Bible.

Mr. Stevens has sent letters to superintendents in eight school districts in Florida, including Miami-Dade County Public Schools and Broward County Public Schools, demanding that The Bible be removed from classrooms and libraries, citing its inclusion of inappropriate topics.

The letter reads as follows:

Good day to you, hope these words find you well.

As you well know, Gov. Ron DeSantis signed House Bill 1467, which requires school districts to give parents a say in the selection of instructional materials, including library books and textbooks.

With that in mind, I wish to file such an objection, requesting the Miami-Dade County Public School system immediately remove the Bible from the classroom, library, and any instructional material. Additionally, I also seek the banishment of any book that references the Bible. And, as is often the case with banned books, I ask your agency lay flame to that giant stack of fiction in a pyre worthy of a Viking sendoff.

My objection to the Bible being in our public schools is based on the following points:

1. Age Appropriateness.

As the Bible casually references such topics as adultery and fornication – or as I like to think, Date Night Friday Night – do we really want to teach our youth about drunken orgies?

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. -- Matthew 15:19

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. -- Romans 13:13

2. Bestiality and Rape.

Taking a cue from Florida Statute Ch. 847.001 6(a,b,c), one should consider such discussions to be harmful to minors and obscene.

Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. -- Leviticus 18:23

3. Wokenness.

With the constant babbling concerns about teaching Critical Race Theory, should we not take stock of the Bible’s position on slavery? I am concerned our young white students will read such passages and wake up to civilization’s sordid past.

Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; not with eye-service, as men-pleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; with good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free. -- Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians, VI, 5-7

4. Social-Emotional Learning.

The most troubling of issues for many, as it’s obvious once we teach little Jimmy and Susie to show empathy for their classmates, they’re one giant step closer to getting their LGBTQ+ freak on.

It is not good enough for man to be alone, therefore, encourage one another and build each other up! -- Genesis 2:18

In summation, please accept this document as my request to remove the Bible, and any referential material, from the Miami-Dade County Public Schools. In the end, if Jimmy and Susie are curious about any of the above, they can do what everyone does – get a room at the Motel Six and grab the Gideons.

If this request fails to follow (yet to be published) Florida Department of Education guidelines, I ask for an opportunity to cure any defect that might arise.

My very best to you and my sincerest thanks for taking care of our kids.

Bishop Chaz Stevens
Ordained in California, Florida, and Jezero County, Mars
First Church of Mars
Executive Director
Schadenboner Incorporated

"They better not fucking ignore me," Stevens warns. "If they ignore me, doesn't that tell you something? The government can't pick and choose religion, but can they choose which books they review for banning and which ones they don't?"

It tells us something Chaz, it tells us something. But it was something we already knew.

Check it out yourself

iambic@pigdog.org