Build Date: Tue Sep 23 07:20:15 2025 UTC
I know it would like suck and all for everybody else, but I am sorry, I would like to be responsible for crashing the universe. I can just see myself saying "Oooppss, I didn't mean to do that.... say you guys should have made this like idiot proof."
-- Johnnie Royale
A Fragmented Memory Regarding a Bearfight
2001-01-26 00:59:43
Then there was that time when the huge hillbilly fought a doped-up bear. Author's note: I'm almost positive this really happened!
When I was about eight years old my Grandma took me to the Earl Warren Fairgrounds in Santa Barbara to watch the Roller Derby: LA T-birds vs. Texas Outlaws. The intermission was somebody got to wrestle a bear. They asked for people to come down and fight this ratty old bear, which was probably doped up, and to win you had to stay in the ring with the bear for three minutes, presumably without getting your head bitten off or your face slashed open by the bear's claws, but this bear didn't even have claws. And the prize? A whole bucket of chicken from the Colonel.
So this 400-pound hillbilly in overalls with a buzz cut comes down and shouts "AHL RASSLE THEM THAR BAR!" And then he gets up in the ring, and they put this weird helmet on him, like a spaceman helmet, almost, so he was like a hillbilly astronaut, except now that I think of it, it was more like a beekeeper's hat, and they let the bear off of his collar, and they go at it. Except the bear just sits down and looks off at his handlers all dejectedly, and the handlers start swatting the bear with sticks to get it riled up, but this just seems to make the bear more morose, and all the old blue-haired roller derby ladies are hooting in derision at this point, so the hillbilly runs over to a table near where the bear is sitting and climbs up on it and - FROGSPLASH! - right onto the bear. They sort of roll around for a minute, and then the bear gets up and starts punching the hillbilly like a boxer, so the hillbilly starts doing this sort of kung fu kick on the bear, a dozen kicks or more to the chest, and then they grab each other again and sort of do this slow hug/waltz thing, and finally the bell rings and the guy gets his chicken. And what does the bear get? The bear gets beaten by sticks as his handlers try to get him out of the arena as fast as possible.
Then the Roller Derby guys come back on and the Texas Outlaws WIN, which isn't supposed to happen and pisses all the old ladies off real good.
It was YEARS later that I finally realized that the whole thing was rigged and that the hillbilly was in on the whole deal! I bet there wasn't even any chicken in that bucket!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Extreme pimpin' under pressure ... how to tell a playa from a sucka ... keeping your hoes under control ... tips for mackin' success from Pigdog's own Terrordrone. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
