Script revision for A New Hope
2002-05-23 22:28:41
To address pesky continuity errors, George Lucas' army of clone screenwriters have has revised a few scenes for the Special Limited 26th Anniversary Collector's Edition of "Star Wars IV: A New Hope". I think that's the one where Spock throws the Ring Of Power into the Hellmouth or something. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it... many Bothans died to bring us this information.
EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- DESERT -- LARS HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.
The Jawas mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Artoo and Threepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe block house.
The Jawas scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly, attracting small insects to the dark areas when their mouths and nostrils should be.
Out of the shadows of a dingy side-building limps Owen Lars, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in a dust-covered face. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, he is closely followed by his slump- shouldered nephew, Luke Skywalker. One of the vile little Jawas walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language.
A voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form the homestead. Luke goes over to the edge and sees his Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard.
BERU: Luke, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Bocce.
LUKE: It looks like we don't have much of a choice but I'll remind him.
Luke returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with the Jawa leader.
OWEN: I have no need for a protocol droid.
THREEPIO: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- that's why I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that...
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.
THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir -- My first job was programming binary load lifter...very similar to your vaporators. You could say...
OWEN: Hold on a second... your effeminate mannerisms seem awfully familiar. Didn’t I own you before?
THREEPIO: Highly unlikely, sir.
Luke interrupts when a plate pops off the head of the red astro-droid's head plate and it sparks wildly.
LUKE: Uncle Owen...
OWEN: Yeah?
LUKE: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look!
OWEN: (to the head Jawa) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?
THREEPIO: (pointing to Artoo) Excuse me, sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. A real bargain.
OWEN: Can it fly?
THREEPIO: Not anymore.
OWEN: Wait, now I remember... My father’s mail-order bride had a droid just like you when we bought her. Had them around for nearly ten years before she was fatally gang-raped by Tusken Raiders. Then her kid suddenly pops up, after all these years without sending home a paycheck much less actually checking on her, and jacks the droid without so much as a by-your-leave. Any of this ring a bell?
THREEPIO: Er... Well Sir, Captain Antilles purged our memory files when we became couriers for the Rebellion...
OWEN: The Rebellion? Sweet merciful Force, I better dump your hard drives before Homeland Security shows up. Luke, take these two over to the garage, I want you to clean both of them up and file off their serial numbers before dinner.
LUKE: But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters...
OWEN: For fuck’s sake, shut your goddamn whine hole. You’re starting to sound like your old man.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)