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Web Dinks Give Super Blow to Football Fans
2000-01-29 15:01:51

Digital Gar Gar Gar!
You know, these beers are only the beginning...
-- El Snatcher


In a shocking turn of events, Internet-based companies that have as of yet failed to turn any sort of profits are lining up in a long, orderly row to pony up huge amounts of lucre - sometimes as much as four times their most recent year's revenues - to get their stupid, worthless web sites some tiny, meaningless exposure during the annual Super Bowl boreathon tomorrow.

At least a dozen companies - headed by monster.com's $40 million war chest - are lined up in lockstep to pay up to $3 million for a scant 30 seconds of exposure during the NFL's latest championship snoozer. Considering that when the score gets to be about 51-3, most fans stop watching the game and begin concentrating more seriously on their beer consumption, that's a lot of moola to dish out on the off chance that fans are still watching when the ad gets shown, instead of contemplating the hidden philosophical differences between Tostitos and Doritos.

Let's face it: dot-coms are stupid. They'll never make any money. They're only hoping that enough people think they have a SHOT at making money that they'll buy into their asinine business plan, which essentially consists of getting enough people to say your name until some slimy Gordon Gecko-type comes along and slips you his business card and whispers "I think we have a wide-open field for an IPO here" in your ear.

Not that Pigdog wouldn't sell out like that in less time than it takes to say "How wide should we spread our cheeks, Mr. Gecko-type person?" Or I would, at least, because I lack remorse, not to mention a sense of irony. Companies make empty millions and billions, money that only really exists in a five-year plan, but the people who control these retarded Ponzi sites make the fully qualified kind of swag. The kind that issues forth in a rushing, lulling, perpetual stream from the ATM of your choice. The kind that buys a whole lot of puddin', if you catch my drift. Hey! Let's ask Mark Andreesen what he thinks! He won't like it; he hates everything.

Hey Marky! He likes it! Slurp slurp slurp!

Anyway, back to the Stupid Bowl. Some nobody IPO-bound venture called OurBeginning.com is hoping to make a big public splash on the game. These are the aforementioned lackeys who are laying out 400% of their 1999 revenue just to get 30 seconds between a Valvoline ad and a Tennessee Titan straining a groin muscle. What's their site all about? They must be doing something really crazy, huh? Something really innovative.


"Welcome to OurBeginning.com. Your ONLINE STATIONERY RESOURCE CENTER." (My emphasis.)

That's right: they sell ENVELOPES. ENVELOPES and POST-IT NOTES and BUSINESS CARDS. Just like Postal Instant Press! Except they're on the WORLD WIDE WEB! YAAAAAAAAAAY! Let's make them rich!

The web is for SUCKS, I tell you.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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