In a shocking turn of events, Internet-based companies that
have as of yet failed to turn any sort of profits are
lining up in a long, orderly row to pony up huge amounts of
lucre - sometimes as much as four times their most
recent year's revenues - to get their stupid, worthless web
sites some tiny, meaningless exposure during the annual Super Bowl
At least a dozen companies - headed by monster.com's $40 million war chest -
are lined up in lockstep to pay up to $3 million for a scant 30 seconds of
exposure during the NFL's latest championship snoozer. Considering that when
the score gets to be about 51-3, most fans stop watching the game and begin
concentrating more seriously on their beer consumption, that's a lot of moola to
dish out on the off chance that fans are still watching when the ad gets shown,
instead of contemplating the hidden philosophical differences between Tostitos
Let's face it: dot-coms are stupid. They'll never make any money. They're
only hoping that enough people think they have a SHOT at making money that
they'll buy into their asinine business plan, which essentially consists of
getting enough people to say your name until some slimy Gordon Gecko-type comes
along and slips you his business card and whispers "I think we have a wide-open
field for an IPO here" in your ear.
Not that Pigdog wouldn't sell out like that in less time than it takes to say
"How wide should we spread our cheeks, Mr. Gecko-type person?" Or I would, at
least, because I lack remorse, not to mention a sense of irony. Companies make
empty millions and billions, money that only really exists in a five-year plan,
but the people who control these retarded Ponzi sites make the fully qualified
kind of swag. The kind that issues forth in a rushing, lulling, perpetual
stream from the ATM of your choice. The kind that buys a whole lot of
puddin', if you catch my drift. Hey! Let's ask Mark Andreesen what he
thinks! He won't like it; he hates everything.
Hey Marky! He likes it! Slurp slurp slurp!
Anyway, back to the Stupid Bowl. Some nobody IPO-bound venture called
OurBeginning.com is hoping to make a big public splash on the game. These are
the aforementioned lackeys who are laying out 400% of their 1999 revenue just
to get 30 seconds between a Valvoline ad and a Tennessee Titan straining a
groin muscle. What's their site all about? They must be doing something
really crazy, huh? Something really innovative.
"Welcome to OurBeginning.com. Your ONLINE STATIONERY RESOURCE CENTER." (My
That's right: they sell ENVELOPES. ENVELOPES and POST-IT NOTES and BUSINESS
CARDS. Just like Postal Instant Press! Except they're on the WORLD WIDE WEB!
YAAAAAAAAAAY! Let's make them rich!