Build Date: Wed Aug 13 09:40:18 2025 UTC
As Americans, we reserve the right to mispronounce, misspell, fuck, or kill anything that crosses our path. This is why the French can't stand us.
-- The Compulsive Splicer
Lego DEATHSTORMS
1999-10-24 16:10:06
Every treatise I've ever read about how terrible "war toys" are mentions Lego building bricks as a constructive alternative. HA HA HA! Who are these people kidding?! Kids just make their own horrendous DEATH MACHINES out of Legos! The only problem: not enough olive drab bricks. But now an evil German toy company is making near-perfect knock-off Lego bricks. And they have tanks, missile launchers, army guys, and attack helicopter sets! Everything you always wanted!
I always found it ridiculous that I wasn't allowed to have war toys. I guess my parents were propagandized by all of that new philosophy on child rearing and whatnot that came out of the sixties. But you cannot fool mother nature. Kids love war! And you know what? I just made guns out of sticks, and string, and most of the "educational toys" I had made great guns! Or cannon fodder. Playskool people made great citizens for my Lego city of Dresden, which I bombed almost every day after school!
The Swedish
Play Council defines
war toys as "....playthings which are used to solve conflict, gain power, or
win through the use of violence. Their aim is to wound or kill." Sure. All
true. But don't you think kids should learn those things?? Those are all
important skills for survival in corporate life. And there are still lots of
wars to be fought! Let's not kid ourselves. War is here to stay!
And these anti-war toy people don't acknowledge the other valuable lessons of war-toy play. Things such as the camaraderie and bonding between soldiers on the battle field, strategy, thinking skills, self-reliance, and utilizing the latest war technology!
So check out the Best-Lock toy company! Makers of 100% compatible faux Legos! (Available at Target.) My favorite sets are the UN Survey troops! They have white tanks and evil blue helmets! They can teach kids to identify the New World Order troops, which will most likely be rolling into towns everywhere any day now.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
