Build Date: Fri May 9 09:30:11 2025 UTC
Do you really think this is a WISE thing for you to be doing?
-- enigma
When Toys Go Bad
2000-04-14 14:19:47
Sick of government buttinski's blaming the internet for everything? Check out these cool ads plugging super-violent toys from the 50s and early 60s!
Watch demonic militarized non-English speaking hoards scrambling for cover from your fantastic fighting machine, "Big Bertha!" (It's three different ballastic-projectile devices in one!) Or imagine you're the troubled youth training his cross hairs on a herd of elephants -- then scurrying over the dunes for bigger game, as the announcer shouts "Load. And fire!" Sixty full seconds of footage shows the blood-thirsty eight-year-old armed for a psychotic rampage.
Blame the cold war. Fifties families feared an expansionist, atomic-weapon wielding superpower, and asked fewer questions about knee-jerk patriotism and the draft their kids would grow up to face. Using "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" as the music for a toy commercial seemed like a good idea, and advertisers even depicted children summoned before shadowy Security Councils for urgent conferences about counter-espionage techniques. No imperialist power can stand up to a reserve of grade school students equipped with the latest state-of-the-art battle toys.
I seem to remember that most violent toys were yanked from the shelves in a post-sixties backlash -- but who knows, maybe the violent toys got rid of violent impulses. Teens of today are more and more sophisticated, which makes the suburbs themselves into a kind of cultural detention center, a wasteland of disempowerment that lasts until the age of 18. The real problem is that traditional bedroom communities are becoming less and less functional in these modern times -- and by showing today's savvy youngesters nothing but sanitized entertainments with incongruous Smurf-like cuteness, they're only creating the insane tension that will lead them to pick up a rifle and start firing.
Next time your blowhard Congressman blusters "You kids today, with your rock and roll and your internet," show him this vintage fifties footage of Bugs Bunny encouraging fratricide.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)