Build Date: Mon Aug 11 04:00:55 2025 UTC
A one gigabyte hard drive. I'll never delete a file again!
-- Doctor Murdock, in 1994
The Weekly World News Hates You
2002-02-06 10:45:26
So supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News closed their online edition. Why? "We would like you to buy the paper at least one stinking week out of the year."
Yes, it's all your fault -- and now Ed Anger is pissed. "I've had enough of this free web crap," he rants in an online editorial. "When I was a kid, the only thing we got for free was a beating."
Now you've done it. No more updates for -- well, there's no indication how long the temporary closure will last. "SO LET'S GO," Mr. Anger continues. "Take the money from your sleeping roommate. Sell your VCR. Whatever it takes."
The editorial contains one link, to a page called joke.html -- but don't get your hopes up. "MAN, YOU STILL THINK THIS IS A JOKE?" It contains nothing but a link to an online subscription form for the newspaper. "IT’S BETTER ON PAPER ANYWAY," Anger reminds us. "We kill three hundred thousand trees a year just so our loyal readers can take this fun publication to their bathrooms.
"YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR BATHROOM? HA! I DIDN’T THINK SO."
So now all the site's URLs redirect to a single-page redesign -- even the Weekly World News's archive of stories about the legendary Batboy. (From "Batboy found in West Virginia cave" to "Batboy endorses Gore".) And there's more sad news from just outside of New York. Theatre-goers are no longer be able to purchase tickets for Batboy -- the off-Broadway musical.
Just when Americans need it most, they're deprived of hard-hitting tabloid headlines that make their lives meaningful like "SPIKY HAIRED PUNK IMPALES THREE IN BUS CRASH!" and "SUPERMAN IS GAY!" So if you want to pitch in to show the Weekly World News that you care, their site is currently displaying a handy photograph telling you which issue to buy. Just look for this screaming headline:
"Salt Lake Shocker: 3-Legged Skater Banned...."
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)