Build Date: Wed Jan 15 08:20:30 2025 UTC
Isaac Asimov's still dead, right? He would have probably just used an analogy involving Tinker Toys and slices of individually wrapped cheese and I would be perfectly content.
-- Tjames Madison
The Weekly World News Hates You
2002-02-06 10:45:26
So supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News closed their online edition. Why? "We would like you to buy the paper at least one stinking week out of the year."
Yes, it's all your fault -- and now Ed Anger is pissed. "I've had enough of this free web crap," he rants in an online editorial. "When I was a kid, the only thing we got for free was a beating."
Now you've done it. No more updates for -- well, there's no indication how long the temporary closure will last. "SO LET'S GO," Mr. Anger continues. "Take the money from your sleeping roommate. Sell your VCR. Whatever it takes."
The editorial contains one link, to a page called joke.html -- but don't get your hopes up. "MAN, YOU STILL THINK THIS IS A JOKE?" It contains nothing but a link to an online subscription form for the newspaper. "IT’S BETTER ON PAPER ANYWAY," Anger reminds us. "We kill three hundred thousand trees a year just so our loyal readers can take this fun publication to their bathrooms.
"YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR BATHROOM? HA! I DIDN’T THINK SO."
So now all the site's URLs redirect to a single-page redesign -- even the Weekly World News's archive of stories about the legendary Batboy. (From "Batboy found in West Virginia cave" to "Batboy endorses Gore".) And there's more sad news from just outside of New York. Theatre-goers are no longer be able to purchase tickets for Batboy -- the off-Broadway musical.
Just when Americans need it most, they're deprived of hard-hitting tabloid headlines that make their lives meaningful like "SPIKY HAIRED PUNK IMPALES THREE IN BUS CRASH!" and "SUPERMAN IS GAY!" So if you want to pitch in to show the Weekly World News that you care, their site is currently displaying a handy photograph telling you which issue to buy. Just look for this screaming headline:
"Salt Lake Shocker: 3-Legged Skater Banned...."
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Canadians Not So Different After All
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
