Subliminal messages inserted into Muzak may not work, but they've cranked them up at a couple of local stores in my area. I walk in the door and my head starts to buzz and my skin starts to crawl. Then again, maybe that's just my reaction to American consumer culture. -- Baron Earl
Spring is finally here, and pretty soon, if not already you
and thousands of other Pigdog readers will be packing up,
and heading out on vacation. But where to go? How about a
vacation that includes being chased by a crazy hillbilly in
a rusty hotrod, armed with a machinegun?
Sure, you could go to Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, or some other place that
will be overrun with cow-like tourists who's only purpose in life is to make
you totally miserable. Who needs that kind of frustration? Personally, I'll
be going to Clark's Trading Post in North Woodstock New Hampshire, who give
the maximum amount of bang for your buck.
Let's start off with the Russian clowns. This family of former KGB agents and
informers dress up in funny outfits and makeup, then demonstrate their spying
and torture techniques for your amusement!
After that, you are going to need to cool down. So how about a ride on The Old
Mill Pond Water Bumper Boats? Careful not to get too near the mill entrance,
or you might find yourself trying dodge the other ride, The Old Mill Pond
Buzzsaw.
After a relaxing ride around the pond, you'll want something that will inspire
awe in you and perhaps the entire family. Say no more. Merlin, after he got
tired of dealing with that Scottish loser (is their any other kind?) King
Arthur, moved to New Hampshire, built a house and settled down. Many centuries
later, he and his house are part of Clark's cornucopia of entertainment. Enter
and marvel as Merlin transports you through dizzying alternate dimensions,
knocking on the doors of C'thulu, turning your world upside down. Wow!
After that, you probably will want to get away for a while. May we suggest a
ride on the White Mountain Central Railroad? For about thirty minutes, you'll
be transported through some of the most beautiful scenic landscapes found in
New ?Hampshire. I should mention, that in order to see this, Ol' Clark had to
build the railroad through the backyard of a crazy hillbilly family, who love
nothing more than to shoot at the tourists from their vehicles with assault
weapons stolen from local NRA members.
And finally you can end the day with trained bear show. Each show is
completely unrehearsed. There's a very good chance that proprietor Murray
Clark will be mauled to death. It'll entertain you, and teach the kids not to
fuck with carnivores. Now that's family entertainment!
