Build Date: Thu May 1 02:50:39 2025 UTC
It's the fucking Web. Don't expect documentation.
-- Mr. Bad
World's Most Fucked-with Little Boy Gets More Shit Dumped on Him
2000-01-09 21:35:06
Man, I just don't know what to say about this Elian Gonzales kid. I mean, nobody deserves the crap this kid is getting. It's like a hole opened up in the sky and an endless stream of War Turds are raining down on him forever. Poor little bastard.
In a just world, this wouldn't happen. In a just world, a kid who survived a trip from Cuba to Florida in a tropical storm strapped to a piece of plywood with the bloated corpse of his drowned mother would get to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain or the Willy Wonka factory and gorge himself on ice cream and play Sony Dreamcast for ever and ever and ever.
But it's not a just world. There are people who can look at a story like Elian's and think, "How can I make hay out of this little kid's unimaginable misery? How can I turn the publicity around this kid's Sandpaper Odyssey to the Fuckdungeons of Hell into some advantage for my political agenda?" So they fuck with this kid and make him an international symbol of SOMETHING, a political prize, a Rorschach image for their own weirdo ideas of what's right and wrong in the world.
I propose that there be a special kind of passport given out by the United Nations or something for kids like EG who've been through the Shitblaster Gauntlet and come out the other side. Some cool little booklet that says, "I have been places you and your ridiculous cronies pray that will never see. Your stupid national borders and diplomacy and embargoes and etcetera mean fuckall to me. Get out of my way and let me get on with my life."
This would be superfantastic. There's just a point when you don't deserve the horseshit treatment from bureaucrats and armed thugs, and Elian Gonzales has crossed it.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
It was New Year's Eve and I wanted a signature drink I could hand to my guests. Something that they would accept with no fuss, drink quickly, and then want another. A drink simple enough that I could explain the recipe quickly -- thereby annointing each new guest as a bartender capable of making the drink -- and freeing me to enjoy myself. So I created The MAN-tini... (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)