Build Date: Sat Mar 15 11:20:53 2025 UTC
My bowels are as strong as any man's! I bet yours give out at about 10 Guinnesses.
-- Ratsnatcher
World's Most Fucked-with Little Boy Gets More Shit Dumped on Him
2000-01-09 21:35:06
Man, I just don't know what to say about this Elian Gonzales kid. I mean, nobody deserves the crap this kid is getting. It's like a hole opened up in the sky and an endless stream of War Turds are raining down on him forever. Poor little bastard.
In a just world, this wouldn't happen. In a just world, a kid who survived a trip from Cuba to Florida in a tropical storm strapped to a piece of plywood with the bloated corpse of his drowned mother would get to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain or the Willy Wonka factory and gorge himself on ice cream and play Sony Dreamcast for ever and ever and ever.
But it's not a just world. There are people who can look at a story like Elian's and think, "How can I make hay out of this little kid's unimaginable misery? How can I turn the publicity around this kid's Sandpaper Odyssey to the Fuckdungeons of Hell into some advantage for my political agenda?" So they fuck with this kid and make him an international symbol of SOMETHING, a political prize, a Rorschach image for their own weirdo ideas of what's right and wrong in the world.
I propose that there be a special kind of passport given out by the United Nations or something for kids like EG who've been through the Shitblaster Gauntlet and come out the other side. Some cool little booklet that says, "I have been places you and your ridiculous cronies pray that will never see. Your stupid national borders and diplomacy and embargoes and etcetera mean fuckall to me. Get out of my way and let me get on with my life."
This would be superfantastic. There's just a point when you don't deserve the horseshit treatment from bureaucrats and armed thugs, and Elian Gonzales has crossed it.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
