Build Date: Fri Jul 11 14:10:54 2025 UTC
Look outside, there are freshly slaughtered pigs bleeding in the snow, just like always.
-- Enigma
World's Most Fucked-with Little Boy Gets More Shit Dumped on Him
2000-01-09 21:35:06
Man, I just don't know what to say about this Elian Gonzales kid. I mean, nobody deserves the crap this kid is getting. It's like a hole opened up in the sky and an endless stream of War Turds are raining down on him forever. Poor little bastard.
In a just world, this wouldn't happen. In a just world, a kid who survived a trip from Cuba to Florida in a tropical storm strapped to a piece of plywood with the bloated corpse of his drowned mother would get to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain or the Willy Wonka factory and gorge himself on ice cream and play Sony Dreamcast for ever and ever and ever.
But it's not a just world. There are people who can look at a story like Elian's and think, "How can I make hay out of this little kid's unimaginable misery? How can I turn the publicity around this kid's Sandpaper Odyssey to the Fuckdungeons of Hell into some advantage for my political agenda?" So they fuck with this kid and make him an international symbol of SOMETHING, a political prize, a Rorschach image for their own weirdo ideas of what's right and wrong in the world.
I propose that there be a special kind of passport given out by the United Nations or something for kids like EG who've been through the Shitblaster Gauntlet and come out the other side. Some cool little booklet that says, "I have been places you and your ridiculous cronies pray that will never see. Your stupid national borders and diplomacy and embargoes and etcetera mean fuckall to me. Get out of my way and let me get on with my life."
This would be superfantastic. There's just a point when you don't deserve the horseshit treatment from bureaucrats and armed thugs, and Elian Gonzales has crossed it.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)