Build Date: Thu Aug 20 06:40:19 2026 UTC
I hate things I can fuck up.
-- Negative Nancy
Barking Spoon unveiled
2001-01-26 08:48:38
Corporate America wants to insult your intelligence. "Hey, rube! Wanna buy a barking spoon?"
This is not some hillbilly trading shack. Color photographs were printed by Quaker Oats onto millions of packages of Life cereal. Of a barking spoon. "Barking Spoon Offer," it says.
On the side of the box, there's a picture illustrating it's intended use. A hand lowers the device into a bowl of cereal. "Bark!! Bark! Bark!" is written above the bowl. "Dip this spoon into your milk and it starts barking!" the cereal box explains. A cartoon shows a surprised dog looking on.
So if you send them a check, they'll mail you a red plastic spoon which also barks. "Group requests will not be accepted," the legalese warns. "Not responsible for lost, stolen or mutilated submissions."
And barking spoon distribution rights will be protected to the full extent of the law. "This offer and/or certificate may not be reproduced, duplicated, or published without the express written consent of the Quaker Oats Company," the cereal box warns. Below that, they offer a detachable stub for the Life cereal Barking Spoon offer. "PLEASE KEEP FOR YOUR RECORDS," it says.
The surreal swirl of capitalism and corporations finds marketers targetting the forgotten demographic, the countless Americans leading crumpled lives twisted and tortured by one thought. "I wish they'd make a spoon that had pictures of dogs on its handle that would bark."
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