I want to kill bugs, sir!


German Drinkers Face Corporate Bondage
2000-10-01 19:56:14

Consumers in Action
I wish I had a chicken here right now so I could pull the head off as an object lesson to his evil little chicken friends. Fuckers.
-- Lenny the Nice


I love anything with the word "Drinking" in it. So when I found a German domain named Drinkrucksack-Beerbackpack.de, I had to check it out. O, the horror...

The first picture tells it all: a man walking around with a giant package of cigarettes strapped to his back. Click on the image, and more pictures appear: an army of male shills with other things strapped to their backs. One is a giant bottle labeled "Bier"...

Though the page is in German, viewers quickly grok the sinister scheme. Another one of the giant bottles is labelled "your logo."

Leave it to the Germans, whose fetishism is well-documented, to try seducing consumers with corporate bondage. But in order to secure an expert analysis of the phenomenon, Pigdog Journal called in the kitsch-loving webmaster behind Cardhouse.com, who, in a terse e-mail, evaluted its significance as apocalyptic.

"One day in the near future, this object (or a similar one) will touch off the glorious destroy-all-advertising revolution. These backpacks are like powder kegs waiting to be lit - you're blocking the view of some _drunk guy_? You're toast, Mr. Huge Candy Bar Man."

Branding engineers overlooked a crucial reality, notes Mister Cardhouse. "At the very least, I'm sure it makes you pleasantly top-heavy, very tempting for someone to kick you."

He concluded his e-mail: "Bringin' the cleats..."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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