Build Date: Wed Nov 29 06:10:11 2023 UTC
If you find yourself smoking through a hole in your neck, it's time to quit.
-- Bill Hicks
Crime Wave Hits Broomfield
2000-07-14 18:41:57
Thefts, car "accidents", inappropriate juvenile touching, assaults, domestic violence, and DUI's are just a part of everyday life in Broomfield.
I don't know why I find police blotter pages so facinating, but I do. I especially love peering in at the steamy underbelly of Broomfield, USA, courtesy of their local newspaper.
From this week's police blotter:
"A juvenile was issued a summons for inappropriately touching another juvenile at 5:30 p.m. at The Bay aquatic center, 250 Lamar St." (It's amazing how a phrase like "Inappropriate touching" can sound so vague and so dirty at the same time.)
"Five juveniles were issued curfew and destruction of property summonses after being contacted at 2:15 a.m. damaging lights near Outlook and Summit trails." (What do you expect them to do after you've taken away all their drugs?)
"A window of a 1996 BMW was discovered broken at 4 p.m. while parked at Sun Microsystems, 500 Eldorado Blvd." (Doesn't "BMW" stand for "Break My Windows?")
"A flower pot was knocked over between July 7 and 7 a.m. July 8 on Willow Run Parkway." (Police are rounding up the usual suspects.)
Every week it's the same. Is there no end to the madness?
T O P S T O R I E S
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
How much force does it take to pull out nose hair?
Have you ever pulled out a nose hair and felt like part of your brain came with it? Have your eyes watered from the extreme pain? Did you wonder how much force it took? Would you pull out 50 more hairs afterwards, using precise measuring instruments, to determine the answer IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE? (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
