BROOMFIELD -- A siege-like atmosphere permeated the air in this
strife-ridden Colorado city over the last week, as citizens, desperate to
see a break in the non-stop string of senseless acts that
have plagued the formerly quiet burg over the last several
months, instead were treated to yet another series of
bizarre, unexplainable and sometimes violent acts.
First and foremost among Broomfield's new woes was the bizarre alleged assault
on a 40-year old female playground monitor by a 10-year-old boy at a local
elementary school. Police were unable to explain the boy's sudden and vicious
attack, which began with him tackling the helpless woman and ended with seven
large security officers pulling the feral child off the victim, whose scalp was
ravaged with deep-sunk claw marks resembling those of "a cougar, or maybe a
wolverine," according to eyewitnesses.
The boy was taken to a local quarantine center and quickly euthanized, but the
frenzied, mob-like violence in the burning remains of Broomfield continued
unabated. Among the grim highlights:
- 10 accidents and one DUI over a three-day period. While these totals are
somewhat lower than usual for Broomfield, authorities caution that the totals
may have been affected by more people than usual staying inside on the weekend
and watching the Super Bowl on television. "When these bastards wake up and
start to realize how much money they've lost on the game," said a reliable
source, "they're going to get in their big trucks and drive around fast in a
mad frenzy, weeping bitterly and operating their vehicles in an unnatural
fashion. Huge chunks of earth will surely be ripped away as if the Hand of God
Itself swooped down with great anger on Broomfield! Take heed!"
- A car window was broken by a gang of hoodlums, marking the 47th week in a row
that this gang of hoodlums has broken a window. Police remain baffled as to
the identities of the culprits.
- A well-planned furniture theft caper went off without a hitch at the Danish
Furniture store. A gang of men reportedly wearing masks, black suits with
white shirts and black ties, and calling themselves suchs things as "Mr.
Yellow," and "Mr. White," etc., seized more than $10,000 worth of furniture in
broad daylight and made a noisy getaway, firing their weapons wildly into the
air as they fled.
- A couple left the Armadillo restaurant without paying their ten dollar bill.
Police were summoned to the scene, where they noted a waiter's description of
the couple. Two hours later, a lengthy police shootout in a mobile home park
ended with both suspects dead from multiple stab wounds to the heart, neck and
groin, and bullet wounds in the temple and abdomen, according to eyewitnesses.
However, this incident was listed in Broomfield's official crime blotter as
"disturbance involving alcohol."