Pure and simple as a hammer to the forebrain

     
 

Long Days and Deadly Nights in Broomfield
2000-02-07 11:19:19


Broomfield: City of Crime
 
Godamn these voices in my head!
-- Kip Kinkel

 

BROOMFIELD -- A siege-like atmosphere permeated the air in this strife-ridden Colorado city over the last week, as citizens, desperate to see a break in the non-stop string of senseless acts that have plagued the formerly quiet burg over the last several months, instead were treated to yet another series of bizarre, unexplainable and sometimes violent acts.

First and foremost among Broomfield's new woes was the bizarre alleged assault on a 40-year old female playground monitor by a 10-year-old boy at a local elementary school. Police were unable to explain the boy's sudden and vicious attack, which began with him tackling the helpless woman and ended with seven large security officers pulling the feral child off the victim, whose scalp was ravaged with deep-sunk claw marks resembling those of "a cougar, or maybe a wolverine," according to eyewitnesses.

The boy was taken to a local quarantine center and quickly euthanized, but the frenzied, mob-like violence in the burning remains of Broomfield continued unabated. Among the grim highlights:

- 10 accidents and one DUI over a three-day period. While these totals are somewhat lower than usual for Broomfield, authorities caution that the totals may have been affected by more people than usual staying inside on the weekend and watching the Super Bowl on television. "When these bastards wake up and start to realize how much money they've lost on the game," said a reliable source, "they're going to get in their big trucks and drive around fast in a mad frenzy, weeping bitterly and operating their vehicles in an unnatural fashion. Huge chunks of earth will surely be ripped away as if the Hand of God Itself swooped down with great anger on Broomfield! Take heed!"

- A car window was broken by a gang of hoodlums, marking the 47th week in a row that this gang of hoodlums has broken a window. Police remain baffled as to the identities of the culprits.

- A well-planned furniture theft caper went off without a hitch at the Danish Furniture store. A gang of men reportedly wearing masks, black suits with white shirts and black ties, and calling themselves suchs things as "Mr. Yellow," and "Mr. White," etc., seized more than $10,000 worth of furniture in broad daylight and made a noisy getaway, firing their weapons wildly into the air as they fled.

- A couple left the Armadillo restaurant without paying their ten dollar bill. Police were summoned to the scene, where they noted a waiter's description of the couple. Two hours later, a lengthy police shootout in a mobile home park ended with both suspects dead from multiple stab wounds to the heart, neck and groin, and bullet wounds in the temple and abdomen, according to eyewitnesses. However, this incident was listed in Broomfield's official crime blotter as "disturbance involving alcohol."

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

ozzyluvr@pigdog.org


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