The last installment in a three-part series of TV shows we'd actually watch if anyone would produce them. Are you listening Hollywood?
"Mission: Implausible"- A team of super secret government agents is
asked to take care of situations that probably couldn't happen in real
life. In episode #1, the Mission Implausible Squad, led by Agent Dick
Hicks (Joe Penny), is asked by the U.S. Government to rid the
Presidential bedroom of the ghost of Dracula! Without the President's
knowledge!!! Things get sticky when the First Lady (Judith Ivey) gets
all hot and bothered for MIS member, Nicco Pastie (David Schwimmer) and
leaves the President to become an MIS agent herself! The President,
overcome by grief, commits suicide and is replaced by a super
intelligent talking dog (Tuffy) who was bred just for this situation!
Meanwhile, Ghost Dracula impregnates the Hungarian Prime Minister and
only the First Lady can successfully abort the near full term baby and
throw it in the sea seconds before it explodes! Unbelievable action!
Pulse pounding excitement! One full hour each week of Bad Guys, Super
Spies and Creamy Thighs!
"Barrel Full Of Monkeys"- game show with valuable prizes hidden at the
bottom of a barrel full of monkeys. Contestants can keep whatever they
can pull out of the barrel.
"Cherry Sherbert"- Glamourous Phyllis Davis returns to weekly series
action in this "TV/TV" show that's as sure to bust guts as bend genders.
In the pilot, Phyllis does double duty, first playing Herbert Sherry, an
uhappy stripper. When Herbert realizes that the source of his depression
is his belief that he's really a woman trapped in a man's body, he
cashes in his IRA and gets a sex change operation. After successful
surgery, she decides to open her own business. With her new "banana
split," "Cherry Sherbert" opens an ice cream parlor but realizes that,
to make ends meet, she must also strip on the side. So, combining her
talents, she re-opens "Cherry's Cups and Cones" now, San Pedro's first
combination strip joint/ice-cream parlor. Her former boss, club owner
Duke Willscrew (Dan Haggarty), promises to put an end to Cherry's
success. Is it a promise he can keep? Stone cold fox, Phyllis' sexual
shenanigans will keep viewers "coming” back week after week!
"Hit Him, Kicked Him, Rectum"- Super secret CIA hit squad used to combat
deadly terrorist threats at home and abroad. The team is comprised of
three agents whose undercover identities are those of a Boxer, a Karate
Instructor and a Proctologist. Non-stop action!
"I'm With Webber"- Uninspired and lazy, Gene Truss (Anthony Zerbe)
nevertheless gets invited to EVERY big social event. How? He's literally
attached to Siamese twin, Webber (Michael Anthony Hall), a society
gadfly, mover and shaker who goes to every platinum party and glamorous
get together. When asked how he gets in the party door his crowd
pleasing retort is simple, "I'm with Webber." TV audiences will want to
be with Webber too!!!
"Crash Bullet"- Nick "Crash" Bullet is the toughest cop on the Columbus
police force but, he's got a problem. A problem with authority! Crash is
a no-nonsense, take-charge, man-of-action who breaks all the rules and
makes no apologies. It's a good thing for him that he also happens to be
one hell of a cop or his exasperated boss, Lt. Kopicki (Merlin Olsen)
wouldn't be willing to take so much heat from "upstairs" to give Crash
the freedom he needs to bash skulls and violate the Constitution in
order to put the bad guys away. Still, Kopicki tries to keep Crash in
line. "Do it by the book, Bullet!" is his refrain. But Crash refuses to
be hemmed in like those other castrated pantywaists in his department.
There's a headache called crime out there and Crash is the aspirin! Each
episode explodes in an exciting hour of nonstop action!
"I'm Finster, He's Shloman!"- once an intrepid reporting team, best
known for bringing down a corrupt library supervisor in the '70's, these
two aged codgers (Hal Lyndon, Gavin Macleod) despise each other. The
only problem is that they're both out of work and living in a welfare
hotel! They can resurrect their careers but, only if they work together!
Hilarity is the headline whenever these two mismatched grumps have to
team up in order to pay the bills. And, did we mention that one is an
Orthodox Jew and the other is in the Klan?!!! Oy!
"The Vagina Catalogues"- A family business that prints full color
illustrated Bibles with the characters depicted as animals, is going
under after 71 years in the business. If that weren't bad enough, the
grandson of the founder has died and his nephew, Jukie (Todd Bridges),
is left to take over. Jukie couldn't care less about the business and
wants to sell it but, after the buyer turns out to be his childhood
rival, Jukie decides to quit his partying and turn the business around!
But how? By forgetting about the Bible and printing amateur photos of
desperate women's genitalia and distributing it to desperate guys
looking for some action! Only in Scranton! "The Vagina Catalogue"
becomes a sensation and each week luminaries of stage and screen guest
star as women (and men) looking for love in all the right pages!!!!
Guest stars include- Jane Powell, Rain Pryor, Marsha Warfield, Tom
Selleck, Paul Rubens, Stuart Margolin and many more!!!!!
"Enema Agents!"- Government Operatives undercover in upscale Colonic
Business in downtown DC. Tag line- "For these Agents, it's the Truth,
the Hole Truth and nothing but the Truth!".
"Pull My Finger"- Fear Factor Meets Golden Girls! Geriatric prankster,
Jackie O. Shinbein is your host and he puts fellow seniors through their
paces on this game show for the mature crowd. Set in the gymnasium of
their retirement community, Jackie dares a cadre of codgers to square
off in a series of mind bending "stunts" designed to thin the herd and
leave one player standing (aided by a walker) and eligible to collect a
prize of three servings of tapioca pudding! But, really, it's the
audience that wins while watching a gaggle of geezers compete in events
like Jazzy Racing, Denture Distance Spitting, the Ben Gay rub down and,
of course, Jackie's Famous Finger Pull!!! You'll say, "Finally,
television that features older characters!"
"Reynolds Rap"- Finally, Burt Reynolds gets a format in which he can
shine--a talk show! Watch nightly as Burt harasses, embarrasses,
intimidates and demeans big name guests like Jim Nabors, Charles Nelson
Reilly, Ed MacMahon and Mel Tillis! Experience the magic when Burt has a
bad reaction to a mixture of pain killers and Wild Turkey and starts
cursing at the camera operators! Wish you were him as Burt remembers hot
details of his sexual capers with super fox, Judy Carne and geriatric
love machine, Dinah Shore! See Burt set the tone for next year's
fashions with his two-fisted wardrobe of black and red western shirts,
cowboy boots with insanely complex patterns and ultra tight, nut-hugging
jeans--with creases ironed in front! After one viewing of "Reynolds Rap"
you'll agree- Stroker Ace WAS a great movie! Loni Anderson IS a bitch!
Male pattern baldness IS NOT a laughing matter!
TAN- The Amish Network-Features shows like: "Shunning with Eli." Sinned
lately? Feeling guilty but too busy with farm chores for a proper
shunning? No problem! Just tune in to "Shunning with Eli" and feel bad
about yourself as host, Eli Yoder, turns his back to the camera. AND you!
When you feel like you've been appropriately shunned, switch on "Shiny
Things That Are Evil, with Eli" the show that informs AND infotains!
Host, Eli Miller, lists a number of shiny items that God doesn't want
you to use, like zippers, toasters and rollerskates. Stay on the Lord's
good side with help from this useful show!
Then, around sundown, turn on "Barn building with Eli." Wish you were
there, when host Eli Taylor regales his viewers with barn building
stories from "back in the day."
Finally, finish off the day with a dose of "Those English!" Host, Eli
Kemper, points out the differences between the Amish and the English as
only he can--with love AND laughter. You'll agree that "those English"
are an odd bunch what with their electricity, laproscopic surgery and
inside outhouses! And don't tune in late or you'll miss Eli's Top 10
List. Sample: Top 10 Things the English Do When Courting:
#9- Arrive for date--in a horseless carriage!
#8- Exchange gifts--of satanic shiny objects!
#7- Attend screening of satanic picture show!
#6- HOLD HANDS!...
You get the idea. Wholesome Amish fun for parents who are sick of all
the sex and violence on "The Waltons" and "Father Murphy."