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The first in a three-part series of TV shows we'd actually watch, if anyone had the balls to put them on the air.
"Stillborn Stew" - After being stillborn and pronounced dead, young
Stewart suddenly comes to life. With a gift! Stillborn Stew has the
ability to see 5 seconds into the future! He then becomes a gambler but
finds it frustratingly difficult to lay bets down in time to win. This
forces him to take a job doing secretarial work for a hot single mom.
Combines "X-Files" and "Who's the Boss?"
"Put Out Or Shut Up!"- Each week a famous pimp shows an average,
henpecked suburban husband how to control his woman. Nagging wives are
forced to quit nagging or be turned into prostitutes and turned out onto
the streets.
"Cecil David: DUI"- Cecil David (Robert Davi) never learns his lesson.
Each week he gets drunk and drives his battered mobile home only to be
pulled over and ticketed. His community service requirements take him
all over the city and into relationships with strangers who need his
help. This is the feelgood drama that shows it's o.k. to drive drunk if
it ends up bringing a crack whore back together with her kids or getting
an old grouch into the Pets-On-Wheels program. Uplifting social message.
"Monkey May I?"- a game show with a monkey for a host. Contestants must
get fickle monkey's permission before answering questions.
"Foul Balls" - Baseball was never like this! Two 13 year-old boys (Danny
Heister and Matt Filwonger) snicker, sneer and make offensive sexual
remarks as real announcers call actual baseball games! Secretly fearing
that they may, in reality, be homosexual, these two "screwballs" are
adept at making homophobic double entendres out of nearly every baseball
term or phrase! Hear them giggle as announcers say, "grab his lumber,"
"swing his wood," "switch hit," "gets fisted," "long balls," "busts him
inside,” "chin music," or "finding his stroke." You never realized
baseball was so gay!
"Leave It To Cleavage"- career gal finds success, popularity after
gigantic breast implants. Will her new attitude spoil the friendship she
has with her Amish roommate?
"RoboDate"- Game show. Contestant is set up on blind date with a
realistic looking robot programmed to end the evening having sex. Later,
in the studio, the contestant is confronted by the robot with a hidden
video of the sexual encounter and a list of his/her sexual shortcomings.
Contestant's exes are invited to sit on stage and make mocking comments.
No prizes are awarded.
"Hemophiliac Boxing"- What happens when two fighters with a genetic
predisposition to bleed uncontrollably climb into the ring and exchange
jaw rattling blows? Carnage you couldn't see in the Roman Circus!! So
much blood flows in the first round alone that you'll think you're at a
Herschell Gordon Lewis marathon! Who will win? The audience, that's who!
Poncho wearing fans cheer from blood-soaked seats as the fighters grow
progressively weaker. Televised Exsanguination at its finest!!!
"No, You Suck!"-Two male prostitutes share an apartment in Dayton, Ohio.
One is messy, one is neat. They bicker about everything!
"Easy Rider--The Series"- Lorenzo Lamas is Captain America. Antonio
Sabato Jr. is Wyatt. Two coke dealers ride bikes across modern day
America. each week a new adventure. Just like the movie only less pot
and Wyatt has X-ray vision.
"White Chocolate"- Bigoted meter maid dies and comes back as fat black
woman. Hysteria ensues! As the show progresses she goes from being
appalled at her circumstances to using her newly acquired sassiness to
show up and tell off skinny bitches. And Whitey! Lessons in tolerance
are learned by all.
"Fuzz Balls!" -Tennis "Pro" Anne Jillian runs a prostitution ring out of
a tennis club. Club owner (and cop) Joseph Bologna, is blind to her
operation-- but not to her charms! Comedy the whole family will love!!!
"Meet Mom & Dad"- each week a shy, socially awkward young man meets
young women. That's the easy part. Introducing them to Mom and Dad is
the hard part- since they're both dead! Comedy unfolds as meek Wayne
brings potential gal pals home to meet mummified corpses of his parents.
Laugh out loud when the girls' shrieks force Wayne to hack them to bits
with an axe. Will this shlub ever find love?!
"Something's Fishy"- each week an unclean French woman tries to find and
keep a job with disastrous results due to her unpleasant odor. Hilarious!
"Well, I'll Be A Monkey's Uncle!"- near destitute gambler's nephew dies
and comes back as monkey. By day they pose as an Organ Grinder and his
chimp while at night they try to beat Vegas' biggest casinos all the
while getting into (and out of) one crazy scrape after another. Series
tag lines: "We bet you'll go bananas for 'Monkey's Uncle'!", "When their
scheme goes south it's Chimp-Plan-B for this odd couple!" and "If you
think this show stinks you should smell Zippo's diaper!" Possible
episode tag lines: "When he sees his former girlfriend's new breast
implants, it's Zippo who's 'homo erectus'!" or "If long arms, a hairy
back and throwing of fecal matter make you laugh, watch this week's
`Monkey's Uncle' guest starring Bea Arthur!"
backdraft@pigdog.org
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