Build Date: Thu May 7 23:50:07 2026 UTC
In case any of you decide to off yourself, may I please have your head?
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Bush Wins By Incredible Landslide
2000-11-09 13:03:57
So, you've probably seen in the conventional news that the Presidential election is incredibly, painfully close, with one state's electoral votes making the whole difference for the free world. You probably bought a newspaper to get more information, and you're probably watching news shows more, and buying their sponsor's products. That's because you're a total sucker.
Fact is, Bush won over 350 electoral votes, mostly in a landslide, but CNN called up the rest of the news stations and told them they'd all win out if they agreed to report the news in a much more exciting manner. So, instead of the clean, simple vote that actually occurred, we're hearing this hyped-up, it- will-take-weeks version of the story.
It's no big surprise. Sports radio announcers used to do it all the time; long after the baseball game was over, they'd fake a much more exciting sequence of events that would end up, at the end of it, with the same score as the real game, but with a lot more drama.
And so, we're getting the same thing. We're flooded with last-minute-to- midnight images of little old ladies in Florida getting the ballots wrong, voting booths closed and reopened and closed again in Missouri, quirky Gore congratulations-retraction phone calls, press errors, and so on.
The same day in the news, just to let us know that they're making it up, we're informed that a man in San Francisco was arrested for biting his dog. Man bites the dog. The old journalism hack phrase.
Actually, Al Gore dropped out of the race two weeks ago so that he wouldn't be a spoiler candidate to Nader. Nader was then thrown into a bear-fighting pit by Cheney's stormtroopers. No one would run the story, so we still have the fiction of a Gore-Bush race.
But I call bullshit on that. The story of the 2000 Presidential Election is actually the most boring election story ever, and they're just reporting it the way that will sell the most diapers.
Admit. You don't give a shit about the functioning of this country. If you did, you would have written a letter to your congresspeople at some point this year, but you didn't, did you? You're just following the story because it's just like the movies.
WELL, YOU'RE MAN NUMBER THREE, FUCKO! PUT THEM APPLES IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
