Har har har! I don't know who I hate more -- Stupid
Slashdot-dot-org or stupid Suck-dot-com! The cool part
is that they hate EACH OTHER! Haw! I'm glad to
see them gnawing at one other's THROATS like belligerent DRUNKS at
a VEGAS BUFFET!
The deal is that Suck did this kind of lame parody of Slashdot today. I don't love
slashdot.org all that much, but I kinda wish Suck'd done a better job. It
wasn't all that funny, since it mainly concentrated on the fact that
slashdot.org is mostly used by GEEKS and geeks apparently MASTURBATE a lot. Ha!
That's a good one. Masturbation jokes: gotta love em.
Still, the ejaculation fascination makes you wonder if perhaps the lady doth
protest too much, if you get my drift. I mean, don't those eggheaded fat girls
that they draw in the
cartoons over at Suck.com look like they're kinda overattached to their
pulsating showerheads? Makes ya cogitate a bit, eh? How else to explain the double chins and glazed
eyeballs than by late-night Haagen-Dazs-and-Liquid-Silk binges? You can just
picture the typical evening: tickle the fuzzy, guiltily watch "Ally McBeal,"
jiggle the handle some more, wolf down a whole box of dark chocolate Petit
Ecoliers, grant an audience to the plastic ambassador, guiltily read last
month's "Marie Claire," spank the housecat again, have a good cry, go to bed.
Really, I mean,
it's kind of obvious if you think about it.
On further reflection, I feel compelled to add that this Joey Anuff guy
looks like a professional-grade pud-whacker if I ever saw one, too. That hunched
little form and catty style are classic signs of habitual self-abuse. And as we
know, those New-Media turtleneck types take their masturbating quite seriously.
They tend to go in for lots of Betty Page and "cutting-edge" Dutch bestiality
vids and vintage 70s nudist magazines and Italian child-porn gang-bang photos
and that kind of thing. Tasteless but so over-the-top as to be deniable: it all
works into a very elaborate irony-and-metairony framework that you'd understand
if you worked for Suck. Which you don't. Unless maybe. If so, Hi!
And MAN, don't even get me started on Carl "Leather Pants" Steadman. I mean,
FUCKING GROSS. I wish I hadn't even brought it up, now. Feeling ill. Ugh.
Anyways, I don't want folks to take me the wrong way. I'm not trying to get down
on masturbators or say that EVERY
masturbator is a bad person who works for Suck. Some of my best friends are
masturbators, and very few of them work for anyone associated with WIRED
digital. I myself slap baloney quite frequently, and you don't see me whoring
my ass out to Lycos, do you? No! Obviously not. I'm just saying that by all
appearances there seems to be some connection. So, just keep your eyes open is
all I'm asking.
All right, so I'm gonna go flog the manatee over some Enlightenment source code. But you
should go look at the teeny-tiny squint-o-vision of the Suck Slashdot parody.