Build Date: Tue Jul 8 08:22:41 2025 UTC
We’re living in a parallel universe. Unfortunately it’s the one where Spock grows a beard.
-- Baron Earl
Stupid Suck Parodies Stupid Slashdot
1999-12-13 18:06:26
Har har har! I don't know who I hate more -- Stupid Slashdot-dot-org or stupid Suck-dot-com! The cool part is that they hate EACH OTHER! Haw! I'm glad to see them gnawing at one other's THROATS like belligerent DRUNKS at a VEGAS BUFFET!
The deal is that Suck did this kind of lame parody of Slashdot today. I don't love slashdot.org all that much, but I kinda wish Suck'd done a better job. It wasn't all that funny, since it mainly concentrated on the fact that slashdot.org is mostly used by GEEKS and geeks apparently MASTURBATE a lot. Ha! That's a good one. Masturbation jokes: gotta love em.
Still, the ejaculation fascination makes you wonder if perhaps the lady doth protest too much, if you get my drift. I mean, don't those eggheaded fat girls that they draw in the cartoons over at Suck.com look like they're kinda overattached to their pulsating showerheads? Makes ya cogitate a bit, eh? How else to explain the double chins and glazed eyeballs than by late-night Haagen-Dazs-and-Liquid-Silk binges? You can just picture the typical evening: tickle the fuzzy, guiltily watch "Ally McBeal," jiggle the handle some more, wolf down a whole box of dark chocolate Petit Ecoliers, grant an audience to the plastic ambassador, guiltily read last month's "Marie Claire," spank the housecat again, have a good cry, go to bed. Really, I mean, it's kind of obvious if you think about it.
On further reflection, I feel compelled to add that this Joey Anuff guy looks like a professional-grade pud-whacker if I ever saw one, too. That hunched little form and catty style are classic signs of habitual self-abuse. And as we all know, those New-Media turtleneck types take their masturbating quite seriously. They tend to go in for lots of Betty Page and "cutting-edge" Dutch bestiality vids and vintage 70s nudist magazines and Italian child-porn gang-bang photos and that kind of thing. Tasteless but so over-the-top as to be deniable: it all works into a very elaborate irony-and-metairony framework that you'd understand if you worked for Suck. Which you don't. Unless maybe. If so, Hi!
And MAN, don't even get me started on Carl "Leather Pants" Steadman. I mean, FUCKING GROSS. I wish I hadn't even brought it up, now. Feeling ill. Ugh.
Anyways, I don't want folks to take me the wrong way. I'm not trying to get down on masturbators or say that EVERY masturbator is a bad person who works for Suck. Some of my best friends are masturbators, and very few of them work for anyone associated with WIRED digital. I myself slap baloney quite frequently, and you don't see me whoring my ass out to Lycos, do you? No! Obviously not. I'm just saying that by all appearances there seems to be some connection. So, just keep your eyes open is all I'm asking.
All right, so I'm gonna go flog the manatee over some Enlightenment source code. But you should go look at the teeny-tiny squint-o-vision of the Suck Slashdot parody. Har!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)