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Canadians Not So Different After All
2002-02-28 16:50:51

Canadia Sucks
The US national anthem started out as a song about getting drunk and fucking.
-- Gustafson


Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia.

Canadians — and actually, the polite term for them is "Canadian-Americans" — aren't actually hung up on good spelling and manners like everybody thinks they are. This is nothing but a stereotype. Here at Pigdog Journal, we get a lot of mail from Canadians, and most of it is rude, illiterate spew, just like you'd expect from any other American!

For example, a reader calling himself Every Loyal Canadian wrote in to say "Canada is the best fucking nation you fucking asshole. You dont know shit. Your just an American who thinks they know stuff but they dont." See? Despite what you may read in the media, the average Canadian is clearly no better educated than the average Californian or Arkansan. It just goes to show you that we're all in this together.

There is also a common stereotype that Canadians will lord their superior taste and refinement over you. But if you've heard from someone like "I AMCANADIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" — who says "I LOVE MOLSON BEER! CANADIAN ICE, MORE ALCOHOL THAN YOU YANKS CAN HANDLE!" — you'll know that Canadians are belligerent drunks just like the rest of us.

Loyal reader Mike adds: "You are jealous that Canada is bigger than the U.S. Suck on that one motherfucker. If this country is so poor, then how can we support the businesses that all the Americans go to when they cross the border." Mike cusses just like an American, but like a Yankee, he is absolutely right. We need Canadia so that we have somewhere to go on our vacations. I myself got drunk in Canadia one time, and I bet if you stop to think about it, you probably know somebody who has benefited in a similar way from Canadian "service with a smile."

In fact, I have learned that American-Americans should all become more sensitive to the needs and culture of Canadian-Americans, because once you really get to know them, you'll know that we're not very different after all. Here are some things to think about. Did you know...

...Canadia technically consists of not one but THREE states — Canada, Quebec, and Alaska?

...Canadia maintains its own set of armed forces? Although largely ceremonial, the Canadian army is occasionally authorized to take field trips overseas.

...Canadia is not ruled directly by Congress and the President, but instead by a regional governor, called the "Prime Minister"?

Knowing things like this can help you avoid offending the Canadian-American community. So to Americans I say: Just examine your prejudices before you assume that Canadians are any different from you. And to Canadians I say: Thanks for all you've taught me, and keep those letters coming!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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